There have been moments -- though few and far between -- when I can feel the darkness encroaching. The emptiness returning. The doubt resurfacing. And at those moments, I know:
The postpartum depression is returning.
I've been having these stirrings for a few weeks now. At first, I kept it to myself. Even now, I'm not sure I want to openly discuss it. But because I think it's important -- not only for my mental health, but to acknowledge that this is a real, critical problem that far too many women suffer in silence -- I am being frank about it.
This is my second bout with postpartum depression (PPD). The first time, it surfaced when G was about eight months old. I had started the gradual process of introducing solid foods while simultaneously cutting down my daily nursing sessions from six to three. That weaning sent my hormones out of whack and, I believe, directly contributed to the onset of my PPD.
For me, PPD doesn't impact how I parent. I'm not the mother with PPD who leaves her screaming baby crying in his crib for hours at a time because she can't handle it. I have no problem handling my children when I'm in the throes of PPD. Rather, it's the rest of my life that I can't handle. With my first bout of PPD, I managed to convince myself that my husband was a lazy, gluttonous slob who was an unfit father (entirely untrue); I convinced myself that my friends were plotting against me to oust me from their lives (again, untrue); I convinced myself that I was terrible at my job and would probably be fired at any moment (once again, untrue).
Now, I can see myself slowly losing touch with reality. I'm becoming hyper-critical of DH again. I'm convinced I'm doing my job -- both my freelance positions and my greater job of parenting -- poorly. I'm convinced my friends are noticing this gruesome change and are pulling away in horror.
On a basic level, I know these things to be false. On a basic level, I know my life is every bit as wonderful as it was a few months ago. And on that basic level, I can still pull myself out of the doldrums and force myself to realize that it is all in my head. But I'm losing my ability to do that.
Last time, I was able to avoid medication for my PPD. Instead, I -- with the help of DH -- sought counseling. I learned new techniques to manage my stress and anxiety. I spent a lot of time doing meditation and yoga. After about six months, these new coping mechanisms -- along with continually stabilizing hormones as I continued to wean -- helped me overcome my PPD.
I hope to once again avoid medication. I was hopeful that I'd be able to avoid seeing a counselor, and instead use the tactics she taught me the first time around. But I am increasingly aware that this bout of PPD is going to pull me deeper than it did after G's birth; I think I will probably see a therapist for support at some point.
I'd love to be able to end this post with something bright, sunny, optimistic; something that would make you -- and me -- feel better. But the truth is, I can't do that -- because PPD isn't bright, or sunny, or optimistic. It's dark. It's dirty. It's lonely.
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i am so happy you wrote this.
not only does it take courage to acknowledge PPD but an immense amount of strength to write about it on a public platform. I get it. 100%
i struggled with it after Sweet Pea was born and it was HARD....but it got better. eventually. and it took me a long time to recognize, realize and verbalize what I was going through. kudos to you for realizing it and I hope you are able to figure out some coping mechanisms that work and if not, that therapy is the answer yet again.
stay strong and positive.
best,
Amber
I'm thinking of you as you begin this battle against PPD. I think it takes a lot of courage to willingly share your struggles and I hope that your honesty not only benefits your mental health, but also brings awareness to this very real issue for women. I'm praying you find the peace and calm you need to come completely out of the shadows of PPD... You are strong and I am feeling optimistic that you can turn things around, whether on your own or with the support of a counselor. I also know that you have a great support system in DH, family members, and your girlfriends. Don't hesitate to lean on them.
I want to commend you for writing this post first of all. You are 100% right. PPD is not bright by any means. It is a very dark and lonely place. I remember with my first one struggle to bond to feel like she or any one around even needed me. With K, our 4-month-old, so far we are doing okay. Don't get me wrong I have had my days but I am hoping to use coping mechanisms that I previously learned as well. I hope you start feeling better sooner rather than later. Oh and you are definitly not alone in this. I know it feels that way but you definitly are not.
I have been wanting to talk to you about this, one-on-one for about a month. Remember me telling you about the "funk" I felt myself going into after Ryan started eating solids and is nursing WAY less? Enough of a funk for Bob to say, on several occasions now, "Are you okay? You're just not...yourself". And I won't utter the word "PPD" because he'll think that I'm going to drive me and the kids into a lake or something. Let's talk... because I think I need to know about some of your counselors ideas and maybe talking about it might help BOTH of us.
Sending huge hugs. I didn't realize it could materialize this way. Makes me wonder if I didn't also suffer from it unknowningly. So glad you posted to give the other perspective.
Praying for you during this time. Not that it will make things any easier, but at-least you know what it's like, and that it passes.
I never struggled with this myself, but you paint it in a very real light that I'm sure anyone who reads it will benefit from. And your real power is in knowing not to ignore it. Many women do.
Hang in there! Been there too and it can be rough. Although it is not something we like to do, professional help can be some of the best stuff that one can do for themselves. I am so proud of you for talking about this. Just remember the bloggy world is always here
I'm praying for you, my friend.
PPD is rough. I can (now) admit that I struggled with it after N was born but I didn't realize that that's what it was until MUCH later. :(
Thanks for writing a post about this. I think many women suffer from PPD and we're told it's all in our heads. When in reality it is quite real and scary. I suffered from PPD shortly after the birth of my son. I had to see a therapist for about 6 months and I took Lexapro for about 6 months. It really helped me through it. It never effected my parenting, but instead targeted other aspects of my life, like yours. Hang in there and remember you are not alone. Definitely take the time to see a therapist and feel free to message me any time you want to talk. Sometimes it helps just to talk to someone else. I hope things get better for you soon.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way as you struggle through this hard time. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, but I greatly admire your strength to share this on your blog, and your strength in realizing you need to seek help and deserve to be happier than you currently are. I applaud you for your openness and honestly, being this way will offer help to others who have gone, or may go through, what you are dealing with. You're a strong person, I know you will come out of this even better than before!
Ugh. PPD SUCKS A$$.
Sorry to start this off with filth, but it's the God's honest truth. I have a very mild case of it with Emmett, even though I am on meds, but it is still terrible. I am not completely debilitated by it like I was with Drew, thank God, but I know the pain of PPD. I know you want to avoid meds, and I support you no matter what. Meds do help, however, and there's no shame in taking them. I did it all with Drew - meds, counseling, relaxation techniques, etc...
(((HUGS)))) You can always speak with me if you need someone to vent to!
Sending prayers and thoughts your way. We, as Mothers, take on so many responsibilities... I can't imagine having to do so while dealing with PPD. I'm glad that you are able to know the symptoms and want to tackle this head on. Hopefully you will be able to use methods that have worked in the past and are able to avoid medication if possible. Good luck!