"Sometimes, I feel like we're just roommates," my husband said to me late one night, as he (once again) headed downstairs to sleep on the couch. "Sometimes, I worry you don't love me."
Ouch.
Long before DH and I started our family, we agreed our marriage needed to remain the top priority. His parents -- and mine -- had made it perfectly clear as we were growing up that their marriage came first; they believed without that solid foundation, the rest of the family would crumble.
But DH's stinging, late-night indictment was justified. It's no secret that DH and I like to sleep in separate beds from time to time. But all that nighttime separation has taken a toll on the physical aspect of our marriage, and hence, on the relationship itself.
My first reaction was not shock, nor confusion, not even sorrow. In fact, at first, I was fine with his assessment of our marriage. I know plenty of married couples who don't even particularly like each other. I enjoy spending time with him; we laugh, we have fun, we explore new places and things, usually with our children in tow. What's wrong with that? I wondered.
For a solid week, I allowed myself to live under the illusion that I could go on happily ever after in a platonic marriage. And then, on another late night alone in our big bed, I realized something... I want more.
Between balancing my freelance work, taking care of two young children and running a household, I'd forgotten to put my marriage -- my husband -- first. I'm not talking about refreshing my makeup and meeting him at the backdoor with a kiss and a beer when he gets home from work; I don't have the energy for that, and quite frankly, it's not my personality. But I need to make the energy -- and time -- to cuddle with him at night, give him a kiss in the morning, and not only tell him but show him that he is the most important person in my world.
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When you figure this out... Please share...
And wishing you the best.
That was a good post. I think most couples go through what you are going through, whether from boredom or physical injuries or just plain exhausted...I know I have, "Old Man" and I talk about everything. He knows when I am stressed, depressed, angry...and some emotions can put a damper on a marriage. Lately, its be me online and him on video games, but we still make time for each other, if its taking a shower together or going out to eat together for an hour. Only difference is our kids are 18 an older, so we are starting new again...don't give up or get down, do the little things for him, to let him know you care. What ever he's into or likes from food to sex...I believe actions speak louder than words. (hope this wasn't to forward of me)
this post is dead on. many many couples go through this. especially after having children! your whole world is upside down and you lack the energy to focus on anyone or anything that can't do for themselves.
the one thing i've had to do is force myself to see his side. what if it was HIM that was ignoring ME? how hurt would i be? so we make the time to just sit, cuddle, watch a movie (even if i pass out in the first 15min) or go to dinner and have our "quality time" anyway & anytime we can. even if its just for an hour. some alone time can do wonders. heck - make out on the couch like teenagers and then try NOT doing anything more. it will take you back to the dating days and see where that takes you.
hope this helps!
I think that all marriages come to this stage at some point or another. I've told my husband before that I feel like we're roommates that have sex because while we have the physical intimacy down we lack the mental.
I think it's great that it only took you a week to realize that you wanted more. Sometimes it can take much longer and by then the damage is done.
Figure out why you are just settling for being "just fine" with the roommate situation and I think you'll find the key to a happier marriage.
When you find it, please let the rest of us know! I'm still on the search to finding out how to better my marriage.
Amen! Jason has actually taken to drinking wine in the evenings lately, in hopes that we'll "get it on." In his words, "You like it when I'm buzzed, so I thought I'd get buzzed to see what happens!"..... Okay, seriously, how sad is that? He is drinking to get ME in bed! Ha!
But you're right, we all do need to make more of an effort.. it's so easy to slide into a "roommate" routine with your spouse, especially with young kids in the picture. Good luck! I hope you and DH are able to get some quality time in soon. :)
Yikes. I needed this post today. One day at a time, right?
*sigh*... same boat. Thanks for the reminder... I need to put on my wifey pants more often. Or, maybe, take them off more often. tee hee hee
It's a good sign for your marriage that you decided you wanted to be proactive to get more out of it! I think you two will figure it all out and be just fine! What matters, is you cared when he expressed his concerns.
So many of us go through this more often than our "mask" allows us to admit. Thank you for sharing. It's so hard with kids, careers, and just all of life pulling at us, to put our marriage first. Enjoy each other, create memories, and let things progress. And write a book on what works and you'll be a rich woman! :) Thank you.
*ditto*
Sadly, the roommate word has been used in my house recently too.
I'm working on it...because I want more too.
we have totally become housemates, not even roomies, in our house! i'd like to hear suggestions too!
We've had that exact same conversation regularly since Bubba was born. Its a big part of my hesitation to even consider having a second child. As he's gotten bigger it's gotten easier for us to be a couple again just by virtue of his independance. I often wonder if we'll regret anything about those early years or if we'll be so enamored with our wonderful human being, that we grew and nurtured together in spite of ourselvles, that we'll forget. Only time will tell.
Yep. I needed to read this today. Thanks girl!
I have been married for almost 5 years, together gulp 10 years, and I agree marriage is hard! You are somehow suppose to stay "into" this one person for every?
Well I want to, and we have made a commitment to work on it. The first step for us is to spend more time together not at home. I'm sorry but home doesn't "excite" me anymore.
I think talking about it- is much better than not, then you can make changes. I will worry when we stop talking about it or lack of it.
I'm new to your blog and found this post exceptionally honest and it resonates very much with me at this time. My husband and I have been together since 1997 (married for 7) and as most long-term marriages do, we've also come to this point too. My husband told me a few nights ago, "I don't feel loved". At that moment, I assumed he meant sex. Having our first child 16 months ago, our lives have been full of adjustments. But, after having some time to reflect and reading that this is an honest sentiment, I'm wondering now if there is more. Maybe I need to follow you lead and make more time for my husband. Thank you for speaking from the heart. if you'd like to read my blog, please give me your email address as my blog is still private. Best of luck!
I stumbled upon your blog through a friend's... after poking around I came upon this post. It brought back memories of something I had written a while back when my husband and I were going through something similar. Sometimes we just need a wake up call to remind us of what we want. It's easy to put our marriage on the back burner and get caught up in everything else. I still have to remind myself to make sure I am putting forth and effort and "nurture" our relationship. It's crazy how quickly people can drift apart when you aren't paying attention. Luckily they can be brought back together too.
http://wringingoutmysponge.blogspot.com/2009/06/success-in-marriage-does-not-come.html