Spanking: Yes or No?  

I think it's effective to a point. Yes, we've spanked Cate a few times, but only after she's come out of time-out repeatedly and no other "punishment" seems to work. Eric and I both kind of agree that there's a certain age range (from about 2.5 to 5 maybe?-- don't know, we're only at 3.5) where spanking is effective. It gets their attention, it only stings for a minute, and it usually stops the negative behavior quickly. They're at an age where they full-well understand what's expected of them, but they lack the self-control that sitting in time out requires (sometimes-- to her credit, there have been many times when Cate has taken timeout like a champ). Taking away toys or privileges isn't something Cate really "gets" yet either, as an older child would. Take away her dollhouse? Fine, she'll play with her train table instead. And the behavior gets repeated. I think once kids are school-age, taking away tangible things might be a better punishment and time out is more effective. Cate seems to respond best (in my experience, and I'm not an expert by any means) when she was removed from a situation, and if really necessary, given a little swat on the rear (or hand or wherever).

Anytime we've spanked though, we've always been careful to talk about why we spanked her once she's calmed down so that she's fully aware of why she received that punishment so that she can modify her behavior so as not to receive one again. And we take the time to remind her that we do love her, but that she needs to respect us and those around her.

I was spanked and, as a last resort, had a wooden spoon used on me. Come to think of it, I only ever remember my mother using that as a punishment. Obviously I turned out fine, but I admit I'm not sure what I'll do when I have kids.

I've spanked. And I hate it. I feel guilty afterwards and think, "I don't want to do that ever again." But I end up doing it again. Spanking occurs when she's just pushed my buttons or the limits way too many times. But most of the time all I have to do is say, "What happens when you don't listen?" or "What happens when you scream in the car while mommy is driving?" and she replies, "I get a spanking" and she stops the behavior. On average, I'd say I spank her 2 to 3 times a week. Not something I'm proud of.

My husband and I are not against spanking. But when we use it, we feel horrible if spanking is because we are out of control ourselves because let's face it, sometimes that when we spank.

But there are times when we have spanked because we have told the particular child that if she/he does this, then a spanking will happen. Then, because it was predetermined and they were forewarned, it is justified and understood. And mom and dad are in control.

I also agree with the 2-5 age range.

I have given my children swats on the bottom many, many times. I do it to reiterate to them that they aren't obeying or are being mean after being told to stop or just aren't listening. There have been a few times with my oldest that I have gotten the wooden spoon out. I actually wrote her name on it and carried it around with me. All I had to say was "Do we need to go have a talk?" and she knew I was serious. I remember being given actual spankings as a kid, with a belt and over my dads knee. But my parents were very creative with punishments too. I remember once my dad packed up every single toy my sister and I had and stored them for a month. We got a few things back at a time once we could prove to them that we could behave. Spankings were a last resort but they were very effective!

I was young when I had my frist child (18), and I grewup where spanking was okay. So that is how I dealt with her for a little. My second child did not care if she got a spanking or not, it made no difference (I had her when I was 19) And that is what really pushed me to look for new ways. Now we dont spank unless one of two things has happened.
The first is if they are going to get hurt MORE by doing whatever it is they are doing. Such as when Rae ran out into the street, after being told not to, she got a spanking. AND talked to! The other time we do tend to spank is IF we cannot get their attention enough to TALK with them. My middle child seems to push this the most. Yelling, fighting, and so on to the point where even me YELLING does not help.
But truth be told as a child I would rather get a spanking than have my parents say they are disapointed in me, or yell at me.
I really dont think Spanking helps much, BUT I dont think a parent should feel guilty about it. IF done with in reason. I know for some children it is the only thing to get their attention! But i really do think the punishment should be as natural as it can be. Like if you keep running in the road you are going to get hurt. . or if you fight with your sister over the computer you dont get the computer anymore.

I will not do it to my kid. I make him discipline but not in that kind of way.
list building

We have a 'hitting' problem in our home, and therefore we don't spank. DH & I have talked how can we say "Don't hit" then turn around & essentially "hit" him. It sucks.

I've found two alternatives, as I have a high strung, challenging child. Even his Dr acknowledged his behavior during a recent preschool appointment saying "Wow, you have your hands full with this one" and he wasn't even being bad or acting out. He's simply challeneging.

1) Cold shower. Not long ones, but enough to get the point accross & as I call it - cooling his temper off. It generally results in a change of clothes (more laundry) but I feel better about it. If he is in the midst of a meltdown, I've been known to throw him in a warm bath fully clothed, to allow him to get himself calmed down & then he generally goes down for a long nap.

2) Time out in the bathroom, me in there, lights off. By my being in there, he is not scared of the dark. Being the bathroom, I don't care if he gets pissed & pees on the floor (which he tried to do during a time-out in his room). But the dark, coolness of the bathroom allows for him to collect himself & my being there gives him security.

Really, as I write these, I realize - it is all about redirection. My actions are extreme energy intensive redirections, but they work for us. And that is the key. What works for you.?.?.?.

Also, I've noticed when I have to go to these extremes it is because he is beyond tired, so we are trying to alter his bedtime routine in hopes of improving such behavior...

I'm relieved to say that having a 16-month old, spanking (or not) hasn't presented an issue just yet, although my strong-willed Buggy has certainly tried my patience a time or two. Having not been in the position where I feel it would be effective, I'm not honestly sure where I fall in this debate. I was spanked a handful of times as a child but never with an object or the intention to hurt me. I was always more fearful before it happened and could always tell how badly my parents felt on the rare occasion it did happen. I'm not naive enough to say that I will never spank my child but I also am not about to use that as my primary discipline tactic. I guess only time will tell how this issue will resolve itself for us but I believe each parent should be responsible (KEYWORD)for their own discipline measures and let the punishment fit the crime. I've too often seen frustrated friends use spanking entirely too much.

Spanking, in my mind, is violence...and nothing good can come from showing violence towards anyone. What is the saying - violence begets violence. Yeah, if I hit Lulu then she might hit her 8 month old brother...and then I hit her again to punish her for hitting...it just doesn't make sense to me.

WM

The first time I smacked Gracie's hand was because she tried to hit me, and as others have mentioned, hitting her for hitting me didn't feel right. I've spanked her once recently, because she pushed me to my limit and wasn't responding to anything else. Her daddy is more likely to spank, and while he doesn't hit her hard at all, it seems to do the trick when nothing else has worked. I, on the other hand, was spanked with belts, wooden spoons...

To briefly change the subect...I wondered where you would put G for dance! So far I am so pleased with ED. I'm sure G also had a great time, and I know it was a special day for you! How funny that they wore the same outfit!

I am with Ali, hitting can be a problem for us, so I try other things, and like her it is re-directing.
One thing I've found that helped (mostly me!) was putting myself in time out. When I was upset and overwhelmed I would tell Z that I had to take a time out to calm down and that I would be right back. I usually go in the other room and sit down. He usually comes in to check on me and this will sometimes break the pattern of him not listening to me.
In a positive discipline class I went to they talked about making a "time out" area for the child. In that space they should have some toys they like and some cuddly things so that they can calm down and become focused on something else to ease their anger. Then after everyone is calm they recommended talking about why the thing that had taken place was unacceptable. I try to do this, but it is very hard.

I am exceptionally proud to say I've never laid a hand on Ava, and it is my intention to have that never change. It's not for lack of her testing me, nor am I proclaiming superiority in the discipline department - I just simply do not believe in spanking. I believe wholeheartedly that there is a better alternative (dependent upon your particular child and their temperament/motivators), and I also believe that if you're angry enough to hit, you're too angry to be punishing your child right then and there. I raised my voice to Ava the other day in a way that shocked her, and I felt terrible about it afterwards. How much worse would I have felt if it were my hands, rather than my voice, that I was regretting?