There's an old saying that goes...
But keep the old:
One is silver
And the other gold.
Well, I'm turning that phrase on its head.
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having friends from all periods of your life. It's kind of like a road map of where you've been and where you're going. But my days of collecting friends--like I would souvenirs on vacation--are officially over.
There was a time in my life when I was accused (rightfully so) of choosing friends based on quantity over quality. I think a big reason for that was
college and, more specifically, my sorority. My Greek affiliation gave me access to 120 "best friends," girls I could count on to be there to study with, go to the gym with, room with, party with, etc. It was like a smorgasbord, a buffet with wide ranging options that never seemed to run out. Hmmm, do I want the party friend tonight, or the go out with coffee friend instead? Choices, choices.Last week, I was browsing through my MOPS magazine (anybody else belong to that amazing group? What a blessing it's been to my life, and I hope to yours as well), and came across an article on relationships. In this article, the author divided her relationships into a series of circles embedded into each other, so they looked kind of like Target's logo. It got me thinking, who is in my inner circle and why?
My first circle: My first circle would have to be devoted to my immediate family--DH, G, Baby C and my parents. These are the five individuals on the planet on whom I rely the most; if something happened to them, I'd not only be crushed, I'd be granted immediate access to the nearest mental hospital... because losing them would most definitely send me over the edge.
My second circle: This circle includes my very best friends, the girls (what a euphemism that is--with most of my friends a good 5-10 years older than me, we're hardly "girls" anymore) that "keep me real" and know the real me. They include my three best girlfriends from college, who--though we might go months between visits--always know what I'm thinking, usually before I'm actually thinking it. It also includes four women who are instrumental in my day to day life; we see each other usually at least once a week, email multiple times weekly, and text almost daily just to see what's up. They're my lifeline to the world outside my home.
My third circle: This circle includes a lot of the people I've met tangentially because of the people in my first two cirlces: friends of friends, their relatives, DH's coworkers and their spouses. These are people with whom I truly enjoy spending time, but just don't always have the time to spend. However, this is the group that adds a tremendous amount of color to my life, because they are so varied and so outrageously unique.
I was explaining my "cirlces" to a few women (who happen to be in the "third circle") just the other day. One of them--a friend who's nearing 40--completely understood what I was talking about; the other, who is significantly younger, thought I was crazy. I find that the younger a person is, the more likely they are to "collect" friendships as I once did. I think it's the elementary school mindset of sending a Valentine's card to everyone in your class, or inviting everyone in your playgroup to your birthday party.
Not so long ago, there were more of these layers in my life, and I felt overwhelmed trying to keep up with all of them. There were--literally--never enough hours in the day. I kept these individuals as a part of my life, quite simply, because I did value the quantity of friendships. It was like having a closet full of shoes, some of which I knew I'd never wear, cute as they may be. They just hurt my feet.
This entry was posted
on Monday, March 07, 2011
and is filed under
friends
.
You can leave a response
and follow any responses to this entry through the
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.
My first circle is my husband, my mom and then 2 of my girlfriends from college
Second cirlce are my friends from HS that I grew up with (most of us went through all 13 years of elementary school on up together) and some of my sorority sisters and then my husbands good friends and their spouses
Third circle are the fringe friends from the other 2 circles, the family members of the people I grew up with (some of whom were like additional parents growing up) etc.
I have a fourth circle, my facebook only friends. The people I am curious about, but not curious enough to invest the time and effort into contacting beyond a brief "hi glad to see youre doing well" type message on a facebook wall.
I think social media sites like facebook, twitter etc allow us to feel "connected" to more people than ever before, there are people I haven't spoken to in years that I know are starting families, getting dogs, painting their bedrooms etc, simply because I can read a two second blurb on my facebook wall about them.
My first 3 layers sound about the same. But what I found, is that friends I'd lost contact with, have moved back closer after reconnecting through FB. We are texting random thoughts to just let the other know we are thinking of them. They are the people who were my closest friends in HS, but due to our life choices took in opposite directions. But through age & maturity we've ended up in the same general direction on life & where we want to be... It's been kind of awesome.
I think I have two circles only. my husband and kids are the first circle and all other friends, facebook only friends, co-workers I love, relatives, old freinds I still will call or write a direct message to are the second circle. Reason being I have never had the time since maybe college to really give anyone person the time to consider them a "bestie" but I do really enjoy the time my spend with them when I can. My comment was really going to be about the dining room. When we moved we ended up with a large kitchen eating area, a dining room, and a LONG lviing room. I put a 10 person dining room table at one end of the living room, the family eating table in the kitchen and I too made the dining room a playroom. I LOVE my dining room table. With the living room like it is it accomdates lots of people and activities for parties and birthdays.
First circle: family
Second circle: Select friends from different life periods
Third circle: Most of the folks I unfortunately ignore due to being too busy with circle 1.
On an unrelated note, glad to see March Madness almost here and I hope your school does well.
I have always, always valued quality over quantity. But where I think you and I differ is the whole "no vacancy" title of your post. I am always open and thrilled to welcome any new friend into my life, there is never "overcrowding" and painful shoes to use your metaphor, for true friends. But yea, I agree, to keep people around simply because you value quantity, not quality, isn't the way to go. Quality is what matters! I think those that only have friends for quantity are really missing out on one of the greatest things in life, and that is deep, true, awesome, quality friendships.