There's a hot debate raging on my BabyCenter birth board right now, and I'm curious to hear what all of you think:
(***After reading several of your comments, I absolutely agree with the idea of celebrating the arrival of subsequent children with "Meet And Greets," or pampering the mom-to-be (because heck, we need some spoiling!) with a get-together... I realized -- thanks to your comments -- that it is the demand for PRESENTS and the (as Kori said) greediness that I really object to! I also like the idea of registering at Babies R Us to get that 10% off coupon -- I'd forgotten about that!***)
I have to admit, my views on this topic are colored by my family -- specifically my grandmother and great aunts. When I was pregnant with G, they went all out to throw me a huge shower in my hometown.
My pregnancy just happened to coincide with a second cousin's third pregnancy. Even though it was her third, this pregnancy was special for many reasons. For one thing,
it was her first child in almost a decade. Second, it was her first boy. And third, it was the first child for her second husband. So I was shocked when my family announced -- at my shower -- that my cousin would not be getting another shower for her new addition. When her in-laws threw a shower anyway, half of my family refused to attend or send a gift.In my opinion, that kind of behavior is absolutely tacky. But I do understand where my relatives are coming from... to a point.
Baby C is my second child in less than three years. When my family hosted the aforementioned shower, DH & I did not know if G would be a boy or a girl, so just about everything we received -- including the big, pricey items -- were gender-neutral. In going through G's old stuff, I've found I can reuse just about everything other than her clothes. And even that isn't a problem; I have four great friends (all of whom are done having children) who gave me their sons' entire wardrobe, meaning I have far more boys clothes than I ever had for my little girl.
Sure, there were some things I simply wanted: new bedding (had to be in Duke blue, to go with C's basketball-themed room), new diapers (cloth this time; look at me, saving
I had two friends ask if they could throw me a shower. I was flattered and honored, but I politely declined. It just didn't feel right to me. So, here are my rules for a second shower:
#1: Children must be at least five years apart-- or a far enough distance apart that you've discarded all your old baby stuff because it was worn out, had gone out of style or was taking up too much closet space in your home.
#2: Children must be of different genders (this rule is waived if children are a decade or more apart).
#3: The same person shouldn't host a shower for the same woman twice. That's a rule that shouldn't be broken whether you're talking about a second baby shower or a second bridal shower. Spread the love around!
#4: A second shower should be more understated than the first. For example, I've been to second showers that have a theme -- such as a diaper shower (as these are always a useful gift) or a food shower (which I think are a wonderful idea for a mom who will be coping with both a newborn and a young child). But having a full-blown second shower for a mom having her second girl in 18 months? I think that's over the top.
#5: All the above rules are waived if (A) the child is the first for either parent, (B) the parents have moved since having their first child, meaning this new baby will be showered by a completely new group of friends, or (C) there are special circumstances -- you always need flexibility to party, even with rules!
Modify mine, or add your own!
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I think each baby deserves a celebration! (Now realistically I am speaking of the first 2 gifts wise).
However, I think that each baby deserves a celebration & there is no reason not to get together to even just do a Blessing Way to pamper the Mommy and make her feel special.
I can't see myself not picking up something small for a friends or family members newest addition, especially if the new baby is a different gender than his/her siblings.
:-)
I think to NOT have a shower for second, third, etc kids is a slap in the face to said child. Why would you, your friends and family honor the coming of one child and none of the rest? What a sad, sad thing! Hm, I "get" the whole idea of a shower is to be bombarded with gifts, at least in this terrible greedy age, but in MY family, with my children, it has been about honoring mother and baby with friends and family. the gifts are just a bonus. So I think that if people are NOT going to have a shower or allow others to give them a shower after the first child, they shouldn't have one for the first child either.
I totally agree with all your rules. It made me think that when my friends start having second babies (most have or are having first babies right now) I'd love to throw a freezer meal party. That's an awesome idea!
P.S. Have you decided what kind of cloth diapers you are going to use? I CD my 7 month old and it was a process figuring out what worked for us. We ended up using Grovia and then prefolds at night.
I had a "sip and see" when Trace was born. Rory was 18 months old when T was born, so it was less than 2 years since my shower. People could come over to my mom's, hang out for a while, eat some food and check out Trace. My family politely spread the word that gifts were certainly not requested but if someone felt a gift was appropriate, practical gifts were most appreciated. (They said it properly and much better than I just did! haha) It was just a nice open house.
I don't mind second showers if they are useful, like the two types you mentioned. A friend had a rather large second shower last summer, but she was pregnant with twin boys! (Her first is a 4 year old girl) She deserved a large shower for being pregnant with twins in the summer alone. Yikes! I think large, blow out showers for second babies are just...a little tacky as you said. Your "requirements" are a really good guideline, I think.
Plus, goodness gracious, I couldn't even have thought of having another shower so soon...more thank you notes! Ugh! ;)
My best friend, who threw my last shower, offered to throw a celebration party for this baby. I said at first that I didn't want to, but she really has insisted. She said that this baby deserves a celebration separate from my first. I agreed, but only if there are no gifts at all. She said maybe diapers, but I used cloth with my first and will use those again, so unless this is a girl, I literally won't need anything.
If it is a girl, I imagine people might bring clothes since they are so fun to buy, but I even have a huge amount of boy stuff that would work just fine for a girl (the same isn't usually true when the girl is first). So as long as we say no gifts at all, I'm all for a fun reason to get my girlfriends together!
And my friend wants to be a party planner, so she is doing this partly for her too :)
I completely agree with your rules. I'm still shocked however at how your family reacted to and treated your cousin. Talk about harsh! I just went begrudgingly sadly to a second shower of a friend that has her kids 10 months apart and they are both boys. That was one unnecessary party let me tell ya. Showers are a two way street I think, the woman can always graciously decline or just request gift cards and then purchase what she really needs.
My best, Lynn
This is just my opinion, I see nothing wrong with having a 2nd shower. I plan to, Well I should say My sister plans to for myself. This will be my 2nd and both are boys, 3 years apart. I think that every baby should be celebrated and how you celebrate, is your choice and shouldnt be chastized by others who feel differently. I'm sure this shower will not be nearly the size my first one was, maybe it will be! I have met a lot of new people in the last 3 years since my first Son was born. So those who do decide to come and celebrate my new son. I will surely be grateful for them and those who decide that coming to a 2nd shower is greedy or not right, well they wont be there and no grudges or hurt feelings will be felt. As far as registering and asking for numerous big gifts etc. I think should be kept to a minimum, I will be registering just for the things I either passed down and it never was returned or things that can not be used again, bottles, diapers pacifiers, new clothes, new car seat etc.. Since most people have the big stuff left over from the first I would find it kind of ridiculous to ask for it again. But this is just my opinion. We had a baby shower for every child of my sisters up to the 3rd one and when she welcomed the 4th we had a Welcoming party after the baby was born, some gifts were brought, but not expected. So it just depends on your beliefs and morals. but I say ROCK ON and celebrate that baby and that Mommy for carrying him/her for 9 months!! =)
I agree that the refusal to attend/send a gift and shunning a subsequent baby shower is tacky. A second baby shower, though? No way. I think it's totally fine and terrific :)
I think a 2nd shower under many scenerios is "tacky". But definitely believe in throwing a party or "get together" of women who will be having another baby if maybe 10 years later, different gender if born 5 years after the 1st...I have a lot of ifs and buts about it, but I'd never refuse to go to one even if I didnt think it was right... To Each There Own, I think they say :)
I'm actually attending a baby shower this weekend for a friend who is having her second child in 2 years. Her first was a girl and this one is a boy. I have to admit that I was surprised that she was being thrown a shower. She even registered! I had actually planned on throwing her a small "baby sprinkle" and have other friends bring her diapers as a gift. While I am happy to attend this shower for her, I do question why she is being thrown another one so soon after her first! I guess everybody feels differently.
We are definitely not having a shower for baby number two. We did not find out the gender with Aidan, so everything I received/registered for was gender neutral. We don't really need anything except large items (double stroller) that we plan on purchasing ourselves. But, I guess some people just go nuts whenever somebody they know is having a baby! I think something tasteful for a second baby might be a "meet the baby" party, where friends can bring gifts if they choose and meet the new little one at the same time. That way there is no pressure on anybody to feel the need to purchase something for a Mom who all ready has atleast one other child. :)
I think 2nd, 3rd, 4th, whatever showers are more than okay. I consider the shower to be for the celebration of the baby and every baby is just as special as the 1st. I will not be having any more kids so I don't say this to benefit myself :). I really think that each child should be celebrated equally and if the parents already have almost everything they need, then just a party with no gifts, or food gifts, or a covered dish. But something like a shower for sure. No matter how far apart the kids. My opinion and obviously not echoed by everyone. But babies are special whether they are the 1st or the 10th and it's an exciting time for everyone.
I agree with all the rules. :) I had 2 showers...the first for my son...2nd two children didn't need one as I used everything from the first. They were all boys so it worked out nicely. But when I found out that I was having a girl...7 years after my first child...my in-laws through me a shower. I needed it and was extremely thankful.
I had a "sprinkle" with Brennan. With friends we didn't know when I was pregnant with Cate. We didn't do a meet and greet since it was flu season. We created a registry with about 10 things on it NOT for other people, but b/c I'm cheap and had a coupon that would give me a $10 GC to Babies R Us if I created a registry. Plus, we knew we'd get that 10% off registry completion card after his birth to use to buy the few things we put on the registry to get the gift card (like lanolin cream and onesies). We didn't do it expecting gifts from it. Our biggest expense was the double stroller, which we bought ourselves.
I think a "sprinkle" is fine. Every baby deserves to be celebrated and to get some toys and clothes new to him/her. An all-out shower with full registry seems a little much if your kids are close together.
Good topic. I had originally assumed I would not have a shower at all with Baby #2, but when a few people offered to host a brunch in his honor, I decided it would be a fun way to get close family members and friends together to celebrate. They know I'm looking forward to a very simple, understated (as you said) get together. I don't need the decorations or gifts (although I did register for a few "blue" items since family members have asked what he needs), just a gathering of the people I'm closest to in honor of my first son! I also just recently heard the term "sprinkle" and thought it was a really cute way to describe a mini-shower! Anyway, since I went back and forth on the "proper" way to approach this topic as well, I thought I would comment. Best of luck in the coming weeks.
I mostly agree with you ... I think if it's your 2nd baby and it's a different gender than the first, I think another shower is fine, especially if it's just for clothes (assuming everyone is smart about the essentials and has everything else gender neutral). If a good friend of mine gets pregnant again and it's a different gender than her first, I would be happy and more than willing to throw a shower/sprinkle/celebration for her. :)
Hmm this is a tough question. I agree with most of the previous posters that if this a first for one parent or there is a large gap then go for the festivities with gifts otherwise it should be a celebration not a showering of gifts. I also think that this is the danger of hwat happens when you know the gender of a baby the first time around. My hubby and I specially chose not to know with number one because we knew it would cloud our judgement for the things we registered for. When we had our second a girl instead of a boy everything could be used again. Just like you, I wanted girly bedding rather than gender neutral
I guess I'm tacky and havig a second shower. My besties offered and I accepted. I'm more exicited since its a tea party theme and to see some family and friends that live a little further away. I did register but only have two big items, double jogger and Britax carseat. I don't intend on anyone buying either one but planned on using the 10% off from Babies R Us to purchse them.
I am having my 5th child in 10 years. But after our last one, three years ago, I sold all of our baby stuff because we WERE DONE. Ha. And here we are. My family and our new church had a baby shower for me. Now, mind you, this is our new church and they have never had a shower for me. So It think it definitely is the circumstances behind it. But I did make it clear that I would love to have used clothes, etc. I know I will not be having any more and I hate to have people waste the money on new stuff to be used once. So, there ya have it.
I agree on your "rules!" I was excited to see you are considering cloth diapering! We are too! Have you done any research? Any ideas which type you will try? We are just starting to decide and research what we will do!