I finally gave in.
I did something many of my friends do on a weekly basis, something you--or someone you know--probably does every now and then, too.
So then why do I feel like such a failure?
I know, it's not the crime of the century. It's not even a crime at all. It's a perfectly respectable thing that many parents do every week at church. But the result left me sobbing through the first 30 minutes of Sunday services.
Let me start at the beginning. A looooooong time ago, I wrote this post about G's
less-than-stellar behavior at church. Many of you wrote me wonderful pieces of advice to keep her occupied, and DH & I--over the past year-plus--have tried just about all of them. We tried snacks, special books, Crayola Color Wonder markers (I LOVE those things), you name it. Everything worked... for a little while, at least. But there was no "magic pill" that could ever make my two year old sit still (and quiet!) for a full 60 minutes. Short of tranquilizing her (which I am convinced one family in our church must do to keep their five girls under the age of six absolutely silent every week), there was no way.If I were at the parish in which I grew up (and where my mom still attends mass), I don't think this would be a problem. That church has a children's mass, which gives parents a chance to worship alongside their children and alongside the rest of their church community. Call it the old school Catholic in me, but I think that's pretty critical. I was never shipped off to a nursery--or my mother to a cry room--when I got feisty as a toddler. The same church that frowns on birth control simply understood that kids were a part of the mass, and that sometimes, that meant crying and fussing and singing out of turn were also a part of it.
My current church does not embody that same "we are one body in Christ" mentality when it comes to weekly worship. Instead, there's one body praying in the main church, another worshiping in the cry room (which, I have to say, is more deathly silent than the main church), and a third playing with blocks and eating pretzel sticks down the hall in a nursery, with no idea that mass is even going on!
Instead of giving in to the system, I tried to fight it. But rebel parents like myself (ooooohh, if you really knew me, you'd know I am definitely not a rebel in any stretch of the word) who bring a child into the mass--and that child makes even a small noise--are met with a reproving look and whispered comments of "Don't they know there's a cry room?" Um, don't you know that Jesus loved the little children, not the grumpy old lady who probably gave her kids some archaic version of Benadryl before bringing them to mass?
I even went as far as to email my pastor, asking him to establish a children's mass that would better include our young ones in the Catholic faith. Either our pastor doesn't know how to access his email, or he didn't like my idea.
So, yesterday, I capitulated to parish pressure and enrolled G in the church nursery. She had a great time; she colored me a beautiful picture that is now hanging on the fridge, none-the-wiser that she had missed mass. I, as previously stated, spent half of mass crying my eyes out.
I think this is probably why many Americans are eschewing organized religion.
If you don't go to church (and I don't judge, believe me, after what I've been through???), what was it that's kept you away?
This entry was posted
on Monday, February 28, 2011
and is filed under
church,
G,
parenting fails
.
You can leave a response
and follow any responses to this entry through the
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.
Tough one no doubt. What works for me is knowing that the nursery at our church is singing children's bible songs and the teacher is sharing from the same scripture/message as the preacher for that day's service. She's also getting to play, have a snack, and enjoy toddler time with other toddlers and me and hubby are getting the meat of the Word that we need. Having her with me is too much of a distraction for myself and those around us that I end up missing so much from what God wanted me to hear. I'm working too hard to keep her entertained and quite that I'm not at peace. Defeated me even going. We are still one body, but like the body we have different places to be and different jobs to do. God loves all his children right where they are at. For me, I finally understand that it doesnt have to take my loud toddler being in the service with me for me to be a memember in particular.
I know it must have been hard on you, hopefully it will get easier and your heart will remain at peace no matter what decision you come to.
We are having the same issues lately. We're Methodist and NONE of the three services over the weekend are at a good time for Rory's schedule. 11:00 is lunch, 8:30 is too close to breakfast. 6:00 on Saturday night works pretty well, except my parents (her Gaga and Baba) do all the music. She spend the entire service calling HI to them and wanting to go up to the front with them.
It was absolutely no problem at all, until we got a new pastor a couple months ago. My old pastor always said "it's better to bring a noisy baby to church than to stay home and miss out." He really had a heart for kids and it was great. The new pastor is very nice, but he is a little more reserved about children in the service.
Basically, we've been staying home a lot more lately. I hate that that's what we've had to do, but it is what it is, I guess.
Sam was with us during services up until about a month ago and he is two. We sat in the back, put a paci in his mouth, brought food and drink and toys and hoped for the best.....now that he is talking all that flew out the window...he goes to the nursery now too!
I don't go to church now (though I wish we did and hope we start to set a good example for our son, and give him those lessons I think are good for him to learn about faith and God...anyway, that's an aside), but I did grow up in one, and most people sent their kids to the nursery during service.
I think it's a huge shame that there are very few churches that have a children's service. I do think it's a big reason why Americans eschew organized religion. I really wish churches would wake up and change this/add this option.
That's one thing I love about the church that the Duggars go to (yes the show is a guilty pleasure of mine), all kids are included no matter how young and noisy. That's the "right" way in my opinion.
I hate putting N in nursery. I do. I even work the nursery room once a month and I can't stand leaving her there. I don't know what it is - still can't put my finger on it.
BUT, I do it. I can't keep her with me at this age - she's too squirmy and laughs at inappropriate times (not to mention says hi to just about everything).
Our first service does have an overflow room and I will prob start getting myself together earlier and take her to that.
It's a tough call! Good for you for facing your fear (or whatever) and putting her in there. But, I hear ya, girl, I hear ya.
I totally get that leaving your kid in someone else's hands at church is hard. And I don't know anything about your church nursery. But I LOVE ours. I love that I can worship with other adults at a service geared for adults while my kids get to worship on their level.
For Brennan, that means he's held and rocked in a room with low lights by a background checked volunteer (all volunteers at our church that work with kids 18 or under must go through a background check) while soft music plays. The ratio is 2 babies to one volunteer, which is great. He gets plenty of attention.
For Cate it means she goes to a class that is structured and scheduled (every minute is planned out by the people on staff who write the curriculum and lesson plans) where she learns Bible stories. The structured classes start at age 2 at our church. We get a parent sheet when we pick her up that tells us what they learned about and ways to follow-up at home. Babies and toddlers just get held and played with and have awesome volunteers that sing to them (I volunteer in the 9-12 month room). Yesterday she told us all about how Jesus healed the blind man.
I know every church is not like this though. When Cate was a baby, we were at a different church where the "nursery" was pretty much kids from kindergarten on down ran amok and played. No learning there. Kids from grades 1-6 sat in church for half of the service and then were dismissed to another room for a sermon more appropriate to them. We kept Cate with us quite a bit and that's where the Color Wonder and special toys came in handy (though usually she just slept). I like your idea for a service that invites both kids and parents to worship together. But I also like that our pastor can discuss some tough topics that would be inappropriate for kids b/c the service is geared to adults. I'll be honest though...Brennan just went to the nursery for the first time this past week. For the last 2 months we have sat in our church's atrium with him and watched the service though close-circuit Tvs in the atrium. We do have a cry room-- but I've never ventured there. And I'd say that 6 out of the last 8 weeks, I ended up nursing Brennan in the nursing moms room and watching the service on the TV in there.
The few times Cate got fussy during a service, I got embarrassed. I felt like I was interrupting someone else's worship experience. Her cries sent me heading for the doors until I could calm her down.
I hope your church gets on board with a special parent/child service or better nursery care that doesn't make you feel like a failure-- you're not by the way.
First and foremost, you're not a failure by any means.
Second, I'm with you on wanting to keep Ava in church with me. It's not that I'm against the nursery per se, but I like her growing up and getting the experience of church; hearing the music and singing, taking communion, and just being a part of the service. So far, she's sat through every one, but I know that by her increased fidgeting that our time is limited before I have to figure out a plan B. Hoping a coloring book and snacks will be bribe enough...fingers crossed!
Hopefully your church will get on board with your email! I think that's a great idea!
very tough. i think it's cool that your other church had a dual mass for parents and kids.
personally, we have small toddlers and sometimes babies in church... and call me crazy, but it is kinda disrupting. one day, there was a little girl two rows in front of us that kept climbing on her dad, talking, dropping stuff, etc. it was disruptive, i felt. i put my kids in the nursery b/c i know church would bore the heck out of them. and plus, church is my time to get with God. clear my head. without distractions.
plus, when they are in the nursery, they get taught awesome Jesus songs and Bible stories. and to me, that's a great way for them to learn about Jesus that is applicable to them.
My children's behaviour kept me from attending church. I figured the stress of me trying to keep them quiet and occupied (we didn't have a daycare or Sunday school in our tiny country church) and sitting in their seats was a little too much each Sunday.
I missed the atmosphere and sermons for a bit, then found it easier and more comfortable teaching my children at home about spirituality and God.
And who wants to send their child to a daycare, isn't church and Sunday supposed to be "family time"?
I wish my Catholic Parish had a children's room. I LOVE going, but find I get nothing out of the service because I am on constant mom mode. "shh!" "don't... " I always get compliments on how well behaved my son is afterward, but what they don't know is his good behavior is a direct link to my lack of attention paid to the message at hand.
So, when I started having issues on what to do with IF tx's since I know the church's view on them - I took the easy way out & haven't been attending.
It's bugging me though. A lot.
So I'm not sure what I'm going to do...
Our church has a childrens ministry (day care) but whats good is they worship and do activities. At 2 years old, I don't think they understand too much of what the adults are taught anyways. I am super thankful for our childrens ministry. Without them I wouldn't be able to come to church. My son will not sit still lol.
I was raised Mormon {but definitely don't go to any church anymore} and there wasn't even an option to put kids into a nursery. We had a cry room, but even then it was rarely used.
Mormons are like Catholics and have tons of babies so it was kind of just normal. And you better believe us kids knew that we had to be quiet for the first hour and a half or we'd be in trouble. Yes, and HOUR AND A HALF. It was hard, but we would color, play tic tac to and the likes, but obviously not doable for an infant.
The last hour and a hald {the LDS church is 3 hours long} we were in Primary where we learned lessons and whatnot, and we got to sing which let out some energy! We knew we had to be 'reverent' though.
As for why I don't go to church anymore, I think it's all just BS {sorry if that's offensive!} I'm definitely spiritual, and live more of a Buddhist lifestyle, but no religion is right for me.
We send our 18 month old to the nursery simply because all she wants to do is run around. I can't hold her because she literally screams to be put down. There is no containing her in church. So I put her in the nursery until she finishes this stage.
Have you tried taking her to daily mass? It's shorter and you can sort of help her understand that it is a time to be quiet. Bring books, etc. You could then take that opportunity to talk to the priest after mass.
The church I grew up in had nursery for infants to 2 yrs old (or older if not potty trained yet), classes for 2/3 yr olds, and 4/5 yr olds and then classes for school aged kids broken up by grade/size. I LOVED childrens church when I was little, in my opinion it is much easier to get kids excited about God and the Bible when you break it down to their level and give them what they can absorb. It was fun to do worship w the parents, get your offering money from mom and dad and then go to your own service upstairs. We had some really amazing childrens pastors who had a heart for it and were super creative.
Even in the nursery (I worked the nursery when I was in jr high/high school a few services a month) the volunteers would have kids worship on and we'd at least attempt some craft type projects that coordinated w the adult service message.
One of the things that the hubby and I looked for when we were choosing a church in our area was the childrens ministry and family-centric view, we dont have kids yet but wanted to be sure that when we do that we're happy with the ministry our kids will get while we are in "grown up" church.
I wrote on this not too long ago. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. Lately, I dread going to service because I will either spend most of my time trying to keep my child quiet and miss most of the message, or put her in the nursery and spend the entire time worrying about her and how terrible of me it was to send her back there in the first place. Either way I miss the message and feel guilty.
One thing I have started doing is skipping church and listening to the sermon online (ours posts on a website to download later). Thus I can choose the best time to get the message.
Good Luck!