What Type Of Mom Are You?  

We all strive to be June Cleaver (ok, sorry, we're not in the 1950s anymore, but I can't think of an ideal mom for the 21st century), but most of us--if we're being honest, all of us--fall hopelessly short.

Of what?

Perfection. The idea that we can have it all, do it all, be everything to everyone in the course of motherhood.

I spent one very sleepless nap (yes, naps are a part of my daily regimen now that I stay at home... if I don't get my 60 minutes of mid-day shut-eye, I am crankier than G) thinking about motherhood and the types of moms out there. My very non-empirical research lead me to believe there are only six types of mothers. The question is, which type of mom are you???

Please understand, this post is meant as a farce; while I do think all moms fall into one of these categories, I also wrote this to be more than just a *bit* extreme. I'm looking at the darker side of these personalities, instead of the more positive characteristics embodied in each.

The Supermom
Examples:
Phylicia Rashad's "Claire Huxtable" from "The Cosby Show"
Joanna Kerns' "Maggie Seaver" from "Growing Pains"
Florence Henderson's "Carol Brady" from "The Brady Bunch"
She has it all, does it all, and looks the part to boot. Whether it's the most pristine house on the block, the gorgeous, smart kids who somehow aren't brats, the career on a sky-high trajectory or the husband who is the spitting image of Ken, this mom is as close to perfection as they come. What you don't know is that she is so wrought with guilt over the few things she does rather imperfectly--like cook a dry pot roast or fail to teach her child a third language--that she takes heavy doses of Xanax when nobody's looking (at least, that's what all us jealous moms say to make ourselves feel better).

The Bully
Examples:
Rosanne Barr's "Roseanne" from "Roseanne"
"The Evil Queen" from "Snow White"
Judith Light's "Angela Bower" on "Who's The Boss?"

This is your average Supermom; this is your average Supermom on an ego-trip... any questions? When a woman tries--and fails--to become Little Mrs. Perfect, she transforms into being a bully. That's how the Evil Queen in "Snow White" got to be the way she is; she started out as a Supermom, but lost control somewhere along the line and turned bossy, brash and bullish. She doesn't ask, but orders, her fellow moms around. Next week's playdate will be at THIS time at THIS place--NO EXCEPTIONS! At her best, she's extremely organized; at her worst, she's a dictator who rivals Hitler.

The Cheerleader
Examples:
Meredith Baxter's "Elyse Keaton" from "Family Ties"
Lori Laughlin's "Aunt Becky" from "Full House"
Shirley Jones' "Shirley Partridge" from "The Partridge Family"
This girl was popular in high school, and she's popular now. She's the mom everyone wants to be around (well, except the Supermom when she's tripping on Xanax) because she's just so damn perky. She's The Cheerleader. She went from doing herkies at halftime to using her excellent spelling skills to teach her kids to read before kindergarten. The Cheerleader will even cheer you on through your darkest moments (while reminding you how sunny and bright her own life is). Going through a rough spot in your marriage? " G-O T-O C-O-U-N-S-E-L-I-N-G!" she spells out in perfect rhythm; "Go to hell," you mutter under your breath.

The Tag-A-Long
Examples:
Gwyneth Paltrow's "Helen Baring" in the *first half* of "Hush"
Betty Rubble in "The Flintstones"
Any Disney Princess who ever went on to become a mother
You could also call this type of mom The Deferential Mom or The Shy Mom... but neither title really gets to the pure meekness that embodies this woman's character. She is the woman who puts up with her mother-in-law's annual tirade about always hosting Christmas without uttering a word; who allows her husband to have a "boys night" even though she hasn't had a "girls night" in ages. She's The Tag-A-Long. She doesn't initiate anything because she's too worried about ruffling anyone's feathers. These moms are sugary-sweet to the point of being obnoxious, let others make the decisions for them (and their children)... and probably are harboring a nasty passive-aggressive streak.

The Enigmom
Examples:
Debro Jo Rupp's "Kitty Foreman" from "That 70s Show"
Katey Segal's "Peg Bundy" from "Married With Children"
Britney Spears... on a daily basis
She's a mystery; she's an enigma... she's The Enig-mom. There's one in every playgroup... her head is so far up in the clouds that all the other moms wonder how she managed to get herself--and her kids--dressed and fed before noon. The Enigmom is the woman who watched Alicia Silverstone's "Clueless" one too many times as a teenager (and took notes). She's been known to feed her children dog food for lunch, use hair spray as perfume and drive to the wrong house for a playdate (much to the chagrin of The Bully), simply because she isn't paying attention. Maybe she's using all that brain energy to develop the cure for cancer... or maybe not.

The Martyr
Examples:
ME
Patricia Heaton's "Debra Barone" from "Everybody Loves Raymond"
Estelle Harris's "Estelle Costanza" from "Seinfeld"
We--yes, you heard right, I am calling myself out--are the moms who will tell you every single triumph and tragedy in our lives. We want your attention, but more than that, we want the Catholic Church's official proclamation of sainthood. We are The Martyrs. We grate on your nerves because we truly believe we deserve your pity and subsequent adoration for handling a baby who won't sleep through the night or a toddler who won't eat her vegetables... even though every mother in America is dealing with the same thing. Don't worry about telling us how irritating you find us... we have a wonderful self-deprecating streak that gives us the only touch of humbleness we have.

So, which of the six categories suits you best?