There is something sinister about a solitary pedestrian, traversing the city's streets long after everyone else has gone to bed. Well, to me, at least. You see, having worked until midnight for the last few months of my career, I got used to driving home long after the sun had gone down. But I never seemed to get used to the random people strolling down a dark street.
It didn't matter if the pedestrian was a 70-year-old man; that lone walker might as well have been the lone gunman on the 6th floor of the Dallas Book Depository-- he was a threat to me, my community, and our safety.
I know this is an unrealistic fear, but it's just one of many I have. And now 15 weeks into this pregnancy, I am finally finding voice to why this time around, I feel so troubled.
I'm not sure why, but from the first instant I saw the second pink line on that Dollar Tree home pregnancy test, I felt likt it represented an "either/or" statement. Maybe it's because I'm an only child, and have no concept of life in a home with multiple children... but I felt like in having a second child, it would take my first child away.
Yes, even now--11 weeks after seeing the results of that test--I still worry that I am going to lose G as a result of this pregnancy. I know I'm crazy. They say that knowing something is half the battle, but even if that's the case, I'm still losing the war.
I have spent HOURS pouring over cord blood registry brochures; I have convinced myself that the only reason God is giving me this second, unexpected child, is because he's going to take away my first (which, by the way, does fly in the face of my religious beliefs-- I stake my faith on a benevolent New Testament God, not some omnipotent power who takes away innocent children). I find myself praying every night, begging God not to take my G away. I tell Him that I will love Baby #2 just as much as I love my firstborn, only if I can keep them both with me. I tell Him I will give G up to Him in every earthly way possible, so long as she stays on earth. I plead; I beg; I bargain.
I know I'm being ridiculous, but I can't help it. I just have this awful, nagging fear that I can't shake. I simply hope that by giving this fear a voice, that I can start to put it behind me.
How do you keep them at bay?
I just wrote a post about pregnancy and stress/fear last night! Something in the water?
I don't really know what to say about yours besides realizing it's not entirely rational has got to help. I've got fears of my own that don't necessarily make any sense so I can understand it!
I'm sorry you are having these fears. Motherhood does crazy things to us! I think we all just feel so unworthy of the amazing gifts that are our children. The fear of losing them is too great. The thought is too great. Makes me feel like I can hardly breath.
I believe in God and these are times when I have to remember to have faith. Faith that he will watch over & protect our daughter. It is all I can do - short of calling my Dr for anxiety meds!
My close friend actually went on anxiety meds as her exact words were "She was tired of worrying that everyone that she loved would die". Rings so true.
Ok, so I'm glad to know that I am not the only one who has crazy fears.
One of the biggest fears I have is one of my twins dying and leaving the other behind feeling lost and lonely, as if they have lost 1/2 of themselves. I fear that they are/will be so dependent on each other, that they can not survive or function without the other.
I don't have any advice. I try to push the fear back in the back of my mind as far as it will go. Sometimes it reappears, but then it goes away for a bit.
I think you're COMPLETELY normal for having fears. Seriously. You didn't plan for this baby the way you planned/hoped/tried for G. This baby is a total surprise and since you haven't had months (and years) to prepare for the thought of #2 until you HAD to ... well, it's normal. You're trying to find a reason for why you got pregnant. That same God knows what He's up to even if it seems totally insane right now and when he/she arrives, you will fall in total love with your new little one. :)
I had irrational fears during my pregnancy with N about things like someone breaking into my house and murdering me while I was pregnant or getting into an accident and hurting her in utero. I also (not irrationally) worried about her health when she was delivered since we didn't have genetic testing done.
Continuing to pray for you, my dear friend.
Girrrrrrl. I know exactly where you're coming from on this one.
After A was born, I spent hours a DAY pouring over SIDS research, risk factors, Dr. Sears articles just convinced she was destined to succumb to SIDS. I would stay awake nearly all night long watching her breathe, got a monitor to detect if she stopped moving, and cried myself to sleep when I actually did sleep. I know it's irrational (to an extent, since SIDS is a real fear, but not the out-of-proportion way I felt it), but I almost don't want another child just because I can't imagine going through that again! Ava's now over 10 months old, and I still check her during naps every ten minutes.
The only way I've dealt with it is by praying, and I'm not an overly religious person compared to some. I just beg and plead with God to please keep her alive, keep her breathing. I also had serious PPD and postpartum anxiety, and the meds have helped some, but I've been on them so long I can't even imagine how I would be without them.
I wish I had better advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I've been there too, and it's normal, despite being unsettling. I hope it gets better :)
Wow, I just found you and have only read this first post but wow. I think it is great that you are able to say it, and understand that your fear is strange, not needed, and maybe silly. Yet, I understand it. All I got is keep praying.
My very first thought on reading this post was to give you lots of reasons to NOT worry.
And then I thought "Megan. Don't be a dumbass. She knows they aren't rational thoughts, she said so. And there are no rational ways to make the irrational just 'go away' - you know this, you crazy petrified of a harmless garter snake girl!"
So, no sweet words about how everything will be just fine, and not to worry from me, just a little support for ya. I will recommend that when you catch yourself doing what you know is not rational (no more HOURS with the cord blood banking brochures. Period.) find a way to take a mental break from it. Don't let it consume you. Play a game with G, read a trashy romance novel, turn on the radio and sing along loudly, whatever you need to do to A) Stop obsessing for the moment, and B) Make you smile.
Hang in there, girl! You're gonna be fine. (And so is G!)
http://babybent.blogspot.com/2010/11/unrealistic-fears.html
Thanks to you I had something to write about today! Hopefully, like you said, by writing about this fear of losing G that you'll be able to feel better. Also pregnancy hormones are ruthless and can be so evil. I wish you the best!
I am sometimes paralyzed with fear over losing my daughter who's two. I feel like so many people have that one "big thing" in their life that shapes them into the person they are for the rest of their lives and I don't want that "one thing" to be the loss of my daughter. A lot of that fear comes from reading too many blogs where pediatric cancer is rampant. :( But I do have faith and I do trust that God has a plan despite my fears. Without faith, I'm just not sure how anyone lives in this scary world without dealing with tremendous anxiety.
I have so many of them that if it wasn't so scary sometimes I would have to laugh. Like, I forbod the kids to even JOKE about one of them dying because I am afraid it will come true. Or that we will all get into a car accident and I will be trapped in my seatbelt and have to listen as the kids scream for mama and I can't get to them. And...yeah.
Did you ever wonder if part of your irrational fears stemmed from your former career? I did a college research project that showed a strong correlation with one's exposure to news media and his/her perception of tragedy befalling his/her family and loved ones. The highest correlation was with those who had the greatest exposure to television news, as opposed to radio, print, or interactive. Maybe you just need a little more time out of that crazy world you just left and your fears will assuage themselves. :-)
Lainie, I think you're probably right-- between my career and DH's, we have both been exposed to the very worst of human nature (and in my case, lots of raw data that doesn't always get flushed out). I'd never thought of that, but I think you've got something!
~Elizabeth
Oh my, I can relate to the fear of losing a child. So far I only have one and I was so worried about losing her that I spent all night checking in on her. I'd go in, feel for her chest to rise and then say, "thank you God and please keep her safe." I realize now that no matter what happened, He would be keeping her safe. It is so hard to not worry about our babies! The maternal instinct is one I swore I didn't have but then I had my first baby...and there it was! hang in there, girl!