It took 16 weeks of pregnancy, but it's finally happened.
In this post, I told you how DH & I very unintentionally found ourselves pregnant.
In this post, I told you about my very unrealistic fears surrounding this pregnancy.
But I never really went into too much depth about the complexity--and the darkness--of the emotions I was feeling. DH & I were incredibly happy with our "only child". We were confident in our decision that one was the right number for us. We were simply waiting on a change to our medical insurance before putting our single child plan into place, more or less for good.
Part of the reason I didn't share how I was feeling was because I was having a tough time giving voice to those emotions. I didn't want to feel the way I did, so I tried to hide it. Babies are supposed to be cause for celebration, joy; I felt incredible guilt--not only for myself, but even more so for our baby--that I didn't have the same exuberance with him or her that I did when I learned I was pregnant with G.
Another (big) part of the reason I didn't share my feelings on this blog was because... well... I got the sense none of you wanted to hear it. When I hinted at them, I received emails and comments congratulating me--it's ok, I wouldn't have known what to say to a woman struggling to come to grips with an unexpected pregnancy, either. But at the time, that's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted some validation that I wasn't insane for having these deep, dark emotions. I really only got that validation from two places: one of you (thank you again, you have no idea how much you helped me) and (surprisingly) from my mother. She realized how perilously close I was to spiraling into a depression, and patiently listened to my fears and, yes, jealousies regarding this pregnancy. It wasn't what I expected from her, but it was exactly what I needed.
But now--at 16 weeks 3 days on the nose--I can say with confidence that those scary emotions are gone. The fog, the rain that clouded my vision and left me with a confused heart has lifted. In its place is relief, thanksgiving, and--finally--joy.
I find myself talking to my baby, saying that I'm excited to meet him or her in May. I find myself browsing online baby stores (I'm going to be asking for advice on baby gear in the near future, so ready yourselves!), picking out different items for my virtual shopping list. I find myself caressing my belly, yearning to feel the baby move (and those first few flutters have started, much to my delight!). I find that I am falling in love with my child.
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on Saturday, November 20, 2010
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I understand the guilt and confusion you must have been feeling. I'm so happy that those feelings seem to be fading now.
congratulations on your new baby :)
Congrats my dear! ;-)
HUGS!
It can be a very scary and unexpected thing. I am glad you've weathered the storm.
I'm so happy to see that you're feeling this way, and how exciting that you're beginning to feel the baby move!!! Such a wonderful milestone in a pregnancy!
Thank you for continuing to share your journey, including the ups and downs. I am glad to hear that the rain is gone. I read your post and realized that I can put myself in your shoes. I am very happy right now with my little family and do not know if or when it will grow.
(I like your new blog design too.)
I think all your feeling are so normal! It's your blog, you should always write what you want!!!
I'm glad you've pulled through and can now be happy about your little one on the way. Every pregnancy is full of its ups and downs... and (hopefully) that was your "downtime". So excited for you all! I can't wait to read your new Mommy blog. Love the new design, too! :)
Glad to hear the cloud has lifted and things are looking up. Nothing that takes us by surprise is ever easy.
love the new look and i love that YOU are feeling better about this. i'm pretty sure i was one of those saying "congrats" cuz i'm not sure i really knew WHAT to say.
can't wait to hear more about this all. hugs and smiles, elizabeth!
Facing fears and emotions we don't want to makes us brave! A wonderful trait to pass along to these kidlets.
I haven't been able to read recently, but can I offer retroactive support? HAHA. My sister-in-law had an unexpected 4th pregnancy before her 3rd was even a year. she was a working mom at the time, but quit shortly after discovering her pregnancy. She had a terrible time with the pregnancy and was just so upset to be pregnant, even though she felt she shouldn't be. she went to counseling the whole time and her counselor affirmed her that as long as she loved the baby--she could hate the pregnancy! And that's pretty much how it worked. I'm so glad you've found the joy and excitement. But if that darkness creeps back in, remind yourself that as long as you love the baby when he//she is born--you'll be fine :)
I'm sorry I never realized how conflicted you were about this baby...
That said, I'm thrilled you have found that g-spot (yes, intended) IRT this baby. Enjoy it. Relish in it...
Have fun planning for being the SAHM for this little one's whole existence.
Hugs!
Congratulations for finding the light. I am glad you were able to find the support you were looking for, even if it was only from a couple people. As another reader wrote, as long as you love the baby when he/she is born (and that could even take some time...), you'll be just fine!