I'm not going to lie... my feelings are a little bit hurt.
After I wrote this post, I saw the number of subscribers to my blog plummet. I was a little shell-shocked. Did some of you think I was selling out? Abandoning the hard working women who manage to do it all, both at home and on the job?
I wasn't sure, so I asked my mom (the one woman who knows EVERYTHING about my blog, yet has NEVER logged on to read it... despite CAK's offer over the weekend to send her the URL). She suggested that maybe some people were a little jealous.
Of more playdates that adult interaction?
Of my choice to give up material goods (oooooh, I will miss you, Rock 'N Republic Jeans)?
Of exchanging a micro-managing boss for an even bossier child?
But the fact that some readers would stop following me (yes, I admit, it's pure vanity that this bothers me so, but I never said I wasn't a teeny bit--ok, maybe more than a teeny bit--narcissistic... I blame Facebook) did make me stop and think. If a woman's decision to change her career path could influence something as unimportant as a blog, what does that say about how we--as women--relate to each other? Are the working moms still "at war" with those who stay at home?
Among my best friends, the answer seems to be yes. For the past two years, I have skirted two very different circles. One is comprised of all working moms. These are women I have gravitated to because we share similar values, similar goals, and similar struggles. I know these are the women who will commiserate with me over 50 hour work weeks and working for a tough boss. These are the women who find it just as much fun to go shopping for a work suit as outfits for my toddler. I know where I stand with these ladies; has my decision to leave their ranks put that friendship in jeopardy?Then there's my other group of friends. They are all stay at home moms. The majority of this group is comprised of women who spent a decade or more in the workforce, plugging away at their jobs, climbing the corporate ladder until their biological clocks began ticking so loudly, they could no longer be ignored. They understand what it's like to be a working woman, but because they quit their jobs before giving birth, they don't know what it's like to tackle two massive roles-- mother and employee-- at once. While they might not understand why I've been toiling in the working world for the past two years, they do understand where I'm going.
Since making the announcement that I'll be joining the SAHM crowd, I've worried that first group pull away--if only slightly. I've already seen the second group embrace me with arms open wider than ever before. Is one group my past? The other my future? Do I have to choose?
To those questions, my answer is a resounding "No!" While some working moms may feel that stay at home moms are their rivals, I did not feel that way, and I don't expect current working moms to feel that way about me now. We all have a choice to make about our paths; I chose sippy cups and potty training and being a full-time mom and homemaker over the television news industry. It was an industry I never really loved, and an industry that I won't miss once I'm gone. My decision comes at the expense (literally) of some degree of financial security; we will be living on a far tighter budget than ever before, and will have to make sacrifices to make our new situation work. But that was our choice. Likewise, working moms choose the excitement of their careers, the adult interaction of their coworkers, and the financial security that comes with their income.
Late edit: I wanted to point out, after reading a comment from my friend Melody, that many moms choose to work because it helps them balance their kid/non-kid lives. I couldn't agree more. I encourage you to read her comments below, because they add a perspective to this argument that I couldn't express any better!
Right now, we have two different sets of priorities. But does the fact that my new priorities as a stay at home mom differ from my friends, who are choosing to stay in the workface, mean that one of us is wrong? Again, a resounding "No!"
This isn't a question of right or wrong.
This is a question of what we--as women--define as "having it all." For me, those priorities have shifted over the past six months. It doesn't mean they won't shift back a few years from now. Who knows-- I might end up in a completely different field when G goes to kindergarten. But for now, I feel comfortable working at home (because, yes, I know as well as anyone that stay at home moms work just as hard as the women who are employed outside the home).
This entry was posted
on Friday, September 10, 2010
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I have been out of the loop a bit it seems because I never saw the post you're talking about. I say, CONGRATULATIONS! I'd give my left boob for a chance to be a SAHM and in fact, the hubs is going to night school to eventually make this a reality in a year and a half, give or take. I think it's crazy that your numbers have gone down since this announcement and I also say, screw 'em. Some women carry jealousy the way they carry a new Coach bag, as in {constantly}... it's ridiculous! Bravo to you and I will always be a loyal reader, even if sometimes things arise and I duck out here and there, which I apologize for!
Wow. Never would have expected that # to drop. I would have thought they'd have been interested in your transition. I'm one of those "decade career swapped for SAHM" women. And I love it. I just think of it as another weeding out process. Those people who don't truly want to be my friends get the boot! (or more accurately, boot themselves)
HUGS!
I appreciate this debate way more than you can know. I also wonder... I'd really love to SAH w/ Z, but we financially can't pull it.
I know there is a debate out there, but most of the women I know are, ha, for lack of a better word, sane, so it isn't too much of an issue.
I will **always** follow your blog!
I'm still here :) But I'm not a mom. I'm not sure if I'm a follower either, but you're on my blogroll and I read you daily ;) That counts to me! I think I'm very similar to you though -- I totally WANT to be a working mom, but I'm totally gonna cave and be a SAHM someday :) Cause I mean, kids are too fun to miss out on! Plus, I don't make loads of money yet ;) (I don't really plan on seeing if this philosophy is fulfilled for at least another 5 or so years...haha)
I don't know if you saw the post on my blog that was inspired by your announcement, but I don't think that it has anything to do with jealousy. Am I sometimes jealous of my SAHM friends who get to go to story times, events, and playdates that fall between the hours of 7:30-4 M-F? Hells yes. Am I going to not be friends with them because of it? No way.
For me, anyway, it has more to do with re-examining myself and wondering if I'm wrong to continue to work. When someone that I was able to commiserate with leaves to go to the "other side" because she believes that it will be better for her children, I can't help but wonder if she then thinks that I'm not doing what's best for my own children, which leads to me wondering if I am, in fact, doing my children a disservice by working and sending them to daycare.
I think that if someone decided to unsubscribe from your blog simply because you went to the land of SAHM then that's more of a reflection on their own insecurities, than anything else.
Does that make any sense? Or am I just rambling aimlessly?
I'll still visit your blog!
You are choosing what is right for your family.
I know what it is like to be a working mom with just one child. Both juggle a lot of things, those things though may be different.
To those "friends" that pull away from you.... maybe they aren't such good friends then.
I experienced that a little, some didn't understand my choice and thus seemed bothered by it.
But my true friends, one in particular, she was happy for me. That is what friendship is about.
I enjoyed your post as a "working" mom who will continue to follow your blog. I am happy that you are willing to share your journey.
I think that we as moms we have more in common than we realize. I am also trying to raise a toddler, go on some "playdates" and stay on a budget. There is so much that I can learn from other moms whether they "work" inside or outside of the home.
It's hard not to get upset when you see the number of followers drop a little. Every once in a while I'll notice I've lost a follower or two, or someone UNsubscribes to the emails. I think to myself, what did I say? But then I realized that I just have to be ME and do and say what I want. I can't worry about who I'm offending and all that garbage. Every person is so different and we all need to respect peoples life choices. I think you're doing great Elizabeth, just keep doin what you're doin.
I commend you for your decision as a working mom! For me, I have been the outcast of my SAHM "friends"...I've been the one that's excluded from their in-group, their playdates, and my kids haven't been invited to their kids parties because I don't fit their ideals...it's not easy being a WAHM, so I can understand the difference between the groups! As you know, concerns are different between working moms and SAHMs, so just remember that when it comes to school parties and planning playdates...keep your working mom friends included in the invites and it will all work out!
I agree completely.
I have been on both sides of the fence.
Your choice! For all those who left your blog, that many more will join but it will be a different audience.
Elizabeth- I missed your last post. How exciting that you will be staying home with G! It will be a wonderful experience for both of you. That is too bad that those that are working moms don't understand. I was reading your blog almost from the beginning even though I was mostly a stay-at-home mom(now I am full time stay-at-home). At the end of the day- we're all moms just trying to do the best for our children.
Some of the women might be jealous. Some might be afraid that they'll no longer be able to connect with you in blogger land b/c you're not a working mom. Who knows what the heck is wrong with the others who left?!?
Personally, I think mommas who aren't in jobs they love (or aren't working towards jobs they will love) might be doing their children an even bigger disservice. If I came home grumpy every day from work or if it stressed me out all the time...I wouldn't do it. I'd totally sacrifice my job, our financial security, and whatever else it took to stay at home. Don't get me wrong-- there are the days every once in a while where I want to walk out on my job-- but 95% of the time, I love it.
This debate always intrigues me because as a teacher, I straddle both worlds. For approximately 185 days a year (usually less as I always take my 3 allotted personal days--we're encouraged to by our higher ups in order to maintain sanity and also end up using a few sick days here and there for either myself or Cate), I'm in the working mom world. But on breaks and personal days, I get to live the SAHM life. Plus, we get out of school early...as in home before 3:00 some days early. So that makes afternoon storytimes and playdates still feasible. It helps that Eric doesn't drop Cate off at our sitter-- who happens to be a good friend who stays at home and wanted to make a little extra money-- until nearly 9. So she's only with someone else for 6 hours and it's someone who is almost family to us.
In the end though, I think some women just genuinely don't know how to be happy for one another. I say congrats to you and good luck!
PS Though...I'm still choosing sippy cups and potty-training. I'm just outsourcing it for 6 hours a day, 185 days a year. ;-) I don't think moms who work have their kids at a lower priority level than moms who don't. And I don't ever feel like I'm choosing the excitement of teaching and the adult interaction over Cate. I feel like I'm choosing them because of Cate. Yes, I love my job. But obviously I love her more. The majority of the time, the energy I get from sharing my reading/writing passions with students spills over at home and refuels me for my afternoons and evenings with Cate. The adult interaction is nice and definitely makes the nights when Eric works late or is away for work for several days a lot easier to swallow when a toddler is my only company. But those aren't the reasons why I work. I work because it brings me balance, it allows me to tap into the passions I have outside of family while helping to provide for my family, and because at the end of the day, it's my choice. And it's not a black/white decision for most moms-- a selfish/selfless choice. Some women work because they have to and some women work because they want to and some women don't work because they don't have to. We all just need to band together as women and support one another regardless of the decision we make. Okay...I'm done now. :-P
PPS... Cate still randomly brings up playing G at the park that day a few weeks ago. She likes to tell me that G cried when she opened the door, but then G stopped and it was okay. But the rain didn't stop. Too funny what they remember.
I'm totally jealous!!! But I still read your blog. :-) I don't subscribe though...I actually don't "follow" any blogs but I have about 50 that I check at least weekly.
For the record? I'm jealous. Totally jealous. Big time. I would give up my job in a heart beat to stay home with a little one of my own!
But, I'm not jealous enough to stop following you! That's just silly... In fact, I think this new adventure of yours is going to give you even more to write about - a whole new world to explore!
That is awful!!! You have to do what is best for your family and YOU! Women should be supporting one another. There is no right or wrong way, just different ways! Well this working mom won't stop being your follower!!! I can't wait to read about your new adventures!
Amazing what can happen in a year.
Congrats on your one year of blogging!
Congrats on your big decision!
If we had my (almost) step daughters full-time, I would definitely sacrifice financially to stay home with them. My daughter turned 16 this year and it flew by.
You are living in the moment, and not missing these precious years.
I am so happy for you!
With your blogging talent you will replace those subscribers and more. I'm not sure why groups choose. I like everyone and like tribes seem to keep others from knowing about different types of people. Reminds me of high school. HA.
I don't think it's as personal as you may think. It's kind of like business. I think that when bloggers have many hundred followers, while what they say is wonderfully interesting, it has less to do with who the person is and more to do with what the person might have in common with the readers. Think about Nike...what if they decided one day to stop selling athletic wear and switch to business dress suits. There's nothing wrong with business dress suits, but the people who were there shopping for athletic wear will probably go to Adidas or another brand because that is what they want.
My point is, I think that some readers probably came here to read about how another mom in a similar situation as them handle work and a child. When that dynamic changed, they went somewhere else.
Of course, I'm just speculating as I still work full-time and am very interested in hearing all about your decision to stay home!
Keep being you ...It does not matter if you work or not...MOM is a universal code for busy woman...I do not envy the stay at home moms and at the same time I don't expect them to think less of me because I work... MOM is hard no matter what you do !!
I have definitely been out of the blogging loop for awhile, but you are still one of my favorites to read when I get the chance! =)
I have been a SAHM and a working mom and I know there are good sides to both. I am glad you are going to get to experience both too =) Can't wait to hear about your adventures!
Lily
You know I adore you, so please understand that I am saying this to help give you perspective. (As requested)
First, I still choose sippy cups and potty training. Those are my first priority. As a previously working mom, you should know that. What you are choosing is the lack of a paycheck. And the ability to do all sippy's all the time. But in no way shape or form, am I NOT choosing those by being a working mom.
I'm lucky, I have a good balance, and provide great health benefits - something that is priceless in today's world. If that changes, then I am sure my situation will change with it.
But for those who dropped you, I think you might look at it from the side of those not being able to relate. They are tuning you out, because they don't want to hear how you made the tough choice, that many don't have the option to make. You look at it as financial, but for some - the spouse would resent all that pressure and therefore they work, because if they didn't they'd end in divorce court. That would put them back to work anyway.
No one formula works for all, but for those who desperately want to stay at home, but can't for whatever reason have a really hard time listening to the SAHs....
It isn't a war, it's self preservation.
I mean, you would keep touching a hot stove repeatedly if all it does is hurt, would you?
Don't take it personally, because for the most part, it probably has less to do with you than you think... (no offense intended)
This is interesting to read as a single non-mom woman, as I, obviously, have no way of understanding the polarization that comes between working and non-working mothers.
It's funny, because for a long time my little sister's dream was to be a SAHM and, as a hardcore feminist, I thought she was crazy and doing a great disservice to working women everywhere. Luckily, with age comes wisdom, and as women our life is all about making those choices that will keep us happy. So I applaud you for having the courage to go after your dreams and embrace a life of sippy cups and potty-training. You know better than anyone else what is best for your family and daughter, and it's shame that you lost readers because you are no longer working outside the home.
But, your blog is so fabulous, I have no doubt you'll find yourself gaining new followers now that you're a SAHM :-)
I have to admit that when I saw your announcement post that you'd be leaving your job to be a SAHM I was definitely jealous. My favorite blogger recently did the same thing and I felt the same way - but I thought about it and realized that what works for some might not work for others. I've done the math and it's darn near impossible for me to be a SAHM, so I will continue to work full time and be an amazing mommy to my almost one year old son and an awesome wife to my husband of almost 5 years. And I will continue to read your blog to follow your adventures.
Cheers to you and congratulations on everything!!!
This is my first comment on your blog, I read it often and enjoy it. But honestly, I almost stopped "following" or "reading" when I read your post about becoming a SAHM. Not exactly sure why, jealously? Maybe. But I think it was more along the lines of, you aren't working anymore – so your blog won't be as relative to me anymore. SAHM and Working moms are very different worlds. Yes, we are all MOMS first and foremost, but our days are VERY different from one another. I don't think either is right or wrong, just different. I work full-time, have 2 kids and a husband who works crazy hours and isn't home all that often during the week. I started reading your blog because it was about things I could relate too. I haven't left yet, but I am not saying I won't...I figured I would stick around and see what the blog posts turned in to before I made my decision. Either way, it's nothing personal, and I hope you have a wonderful time being at home with G!
On a side note, I didn't get to CHOOSE to work or CHOOSE to stay home with my kids. I work because I HAVE to. I love my kids more than anything and I work so I can provide for my family. It's not necessarily a "choice" for everyone. I don't have any other option unless I want bill collectors taking my house and everything in it.
Good Luck with what the future holds for you and your family!
First time reader-you are lucky to have the option to be a SAHM-as a working mom I confess that I would love to spend more time at home. Good luck on your pregnanacy
I know I'm a little behind on your blogs seeing as how I just went back to work full time, but I am excited for you and that you are able to do what my heart desires and stay home.
I look forward to reading about your new adventures in this chapter of your life as I hope to soon follow.
Good luck!