Yes, sugar is sweet... but I am decidedly not.
Here's what happened:
I have a coworker we'll call "Hal". Hal's a nice guy-- a family guy. But he also loves to call me all sorts of diminutives on the job: honey, baby, sugar, you name it, he's used it. It weirds me out. Hal's old enough to be my father, and it grosses me out.
Now, I know this is a textbook case of sexual harassment. But here's the thing-- I haven't told Hal how uncomfortable his nicknames make me feel, and I'm not sure how to address it. For all my "feminist power" beliefs, I also believe in sparing people's feelings whenever possible. I don't think Hal is using those terms to insult or belittle me; I truly believe that's how things are done in his culture, and he doesn't see the problem.
So, my question to all of you is this: what would YOU do in this situation? How would you tell Hal to lay off the "honey"? Or would you circumvent him and go to a manager? I'm all ears!
This entry was posted
on Monday, August 23, 2010
and is filed under
debate,
sexual harassment,
working mom
.
You can leave a response
and follow any responses to this entry through the
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.
16 comments
Post a Comment
In my opinion, I wouldn't tell a manafer right away, just for the reason you said: It's textbook harassment, and he will probably get into a lot of trouble. I would say something first to him and if it doesn't stop, then tell a manager.
I'd kinda take your approach :) Let him know they're bothering you and maybe give it a kick with "I just don't want you to get in trouble with all the sexual harassment laws" and if that doesn't work (I'm a passive aggressive threatener, lol) have a manager or something talk to him about it?
But I really have no idea, because out of blogland, I'm a shy as a mouse :) So I would probably figure it out based on how much I wanted Hal to be my friend after the situation
If you truly believe his intentions are not at all harmful and that he would be receptive then I would approach him directly. As more and more Gen Y'ers enter the workforce the climate/culture will change but in the meantime there is still a struggle to change the ways of these "Good ol'Boys". Could you say something like, "Hey Hal, I know that was meant as a term of endearment, but as a young woman in the business world, I am doing all I can to be seen as competent and equal, so could you just stick with my real name? Your respect would really help me out."
I would talk to him about it. Especially if you think he really doesn't mean it in a harassing manner. If you go to the manager he may end up getting in trouble or even losing his job depending on the sexual harassment policies you have at your work.
I would probably just casually mention to him that you prefer him to use your name. Say something like, "That reminds me of what my grandpa called me. Do you mind using my name instead?" Or something along those lines.
But yes, address it.
If you really think he is doing it from a place of ignorance, then I would try to speak to him about it first. (tough conversation though!)
If he then continues to do it, then you go to a manager.
oh boy... I'd probably jokingly say, Hey, you got anything more grown up you can call me, like my name? Say it with me now.. V.al...
Oh, I hate this, too! It's so condescending. I would tell him, the next time he calls you that, "the only person you should be calling that is your wife." Walk away. It'll sink in and hopefully it will stop.
I'd do it right back. Next time he springs "honey"/"baby"/whatever on you, fire back with, "Sure, no problem, darling," or a sure-to-annoy "dollface" or something equally feminine. Maybe then he'll get the picture?
It's weird, it never used to offend me, but now it does...
But you're right, it's his culture (considering location & age) and I think it is great you think of that before reporting him.
That said, if you were staying, I'd probably say something.
What you could say is, Hal I know you don't mean anything by the names you call me, but someone might take it out of context and I would hate for you to get in trouble. Could you please not use them, I don't want any drama for either of us.
Man, you need to tell him before it builds up and you blow up on him. You can try and be funny but to the point, "Hal, my ex used to call me those names and that is why he is my ex"
Or You can let it build up and then tell him you will kick his ass.
Or figure out something that you can call him. LIKE A UGLY WOMAN
Last you can have DH got pepper spray his ass and beat him
Oh that annoys me too!!! Especially when people call me Sweetie!!! I feel like it is so demeaning. Usually it's strangers (esp. waitresses for some reason) so I don't say anything but if it was a co-worker I would definitely say something to him! I doubt he means it to be sexual and probably doesn't even think about it and might get hurt if you go straight up the chain. Good luck!
:-) A common workplace woe. "Sweetie" is worse, me thinks. I'd ask him to lay off.
I'd probably say something to him before going to the manager.
oh totally just tell him...I bet he would even understand. If he is old enough to be your Dad its a generation thing...most likely I hope! If you respect him I would go to him first!
Happy Wednesday ;)