Be honest-- you've lied before. I know I have. You probably have too. Now that we've all accepted the fact, let's make sure no one casts the first stone. We're all guilty of this sin.
I've been thinking a lot about lies (and the liars who tell them) over the past few days. It began when I found this link on Babycenter.com (a website I was addicted to during the time DH & I were trying to get pregnant with G, and still frequent today). In it, women-- literally hundreds of them-- divulge their deepest darkest secrets. It's like a car accident on the freeway; you KNOW you shouldn't look, but you can't look away. Women were talking about cheating on their husbands, smoking pot all the live long day, and hating their best-friends-mothers-in-law-next-door-neighbor-bosses-etc. It was a juicy read, and kept me highly entertained during my dinner break at work.
It dawned on me that lies-- when you break it down-- really fall into two 
categories. The first category is "lies you tell you protect others". For instance, you are going shopping with your best friend (assuming you don't hate her, as according to that Babycenter threat, many women apparently do). When she tries on a new dress, she asks if it makes her look fat. Instead of telling her, "Yes, you look like a giant hippo," you lie and remark, "I don't think the pattern is the most flattering to your figure; how about something without horizontal stripes?" Did you lie? Yes, technically. But you did it to protect someone else's feelings. I'm not sure if that's noble or not, but it at least passes as a respectable option.
Then there's the second category of lies-- the "lies you tell to protect yourself". I think this is the far more dangerous category of lies, because after time, you can actually come to believe the falsehoods you're telling. Do you remember George O'Leary? Probably not, because I know most of you don't follow sports like I do. But good ole George used to be the head football coach at Georgia Tech. Then, he got the job offer of a lifetime-- head coach at Notre Dame. So George sent over a resume, that included a few lies... including some big lies about his level of education. Well, the folks at Notre Dame found out about them, and not only did George not get his dream job, he didn't get any job for quite some time.
Why did George lie in the first place? To protect himself. He wanted people to think he was more educated than he actually was; he was protecting his own ego. I see people do that a lot; whether it's lying to others (and often times, yourself) about your weight (maybe to justify a late night snack?), or about your financial status (of course we own our car), or even your marriage (we are just so perfect!), the bottom line is, we usually do it because we want people to think more highly of us.
But you know what? When I tell a lie-- oh yeah, I'm as guilty as the next guy-- I only hurt myself. I realize when I tell a lie-- particularly a lie that falls into that second category-- I'm only short-changing myself. I'm basically saying, "Hey, I don't think highly enough of me to tell you the truth."
And likewise, when we lie to someone to protect their feelings, we're saying to them, "I don't think you're strong/smart/wise enough to handle what I really think." We're selling THEM short as well.
Just one more thing...
Do you think you'd be able to remain friends with someone you know lied to you? That is to say, if you knew they'd told you lie after lie, would you ever be able to trust them enough to believe what they say, even about the most mundane things?
I find this interesting on several different levels, because I actually DO know a couple of people who I know are liars in the second sense of the word, and no, I can't be friends with them. I can accept that they have a problem, and feel compassion for them, and I can even be friendly and civil with them-but not friends. I know everyone lies to an extent-for "good" reasons sometimes and "bad" reasons other time-but since I try really, really hard to live an honest life, I really don't like to be around people who can't be relied upon to tell the truth.
and yep, it hurts US a lot more to tell lies to protect ourselves than we want to let on. For me, it chips away and my self-respect and my belief in myself and who i am, and I don't like that feeling one bit.
Hmm.. I really don't think I could remain friends with a liar. How would you ever really trust them? Even friends that admit to me that they've lied to OTHER friends.. I can't help but wonder what they're holding back or over exaggerating to me. Honesty is important to me. big time!
Considering I single (okay it takes me two hands to type) handedly destroyed our TTC board, my obvious answer is "No".
Thought provoking post. Great job!
I love your post about lies. We have recently had some family changes - relatives moving closer and so on and boy the lies that got to flowing. I am not sure that some people just don't know the difference in a lie and the truth. Great post!
Great stuff.
I like your lie category breakdown and certainly see the reason to differentiate the two types. With kids asking millions of questions, unfortunately, it is easier sometimes for me to respond with an untruth than to get into all the conversation that the truth would open.
I expect honesty- from others and myself. However, I do think there is a difference between being honest and being brutally honest. Brutally honest = people's excuse to be rude.
I truthfully, fully give myself and trust in some one until they lie to me. I don't like to be lied to and I try to never fall into the second category. It's true though that if we lie to our friends for their own self worth then we are doing them no good. I am a blunt, tell it like it is person so I usually upset a person or two. I can't stand to lie, it just doesn't feel right but the lies do happen to protect people. Shoot, who are we kidding, SANTA CLAUS and the Easter Bunny. We lie to our kids for years until the age we finally break the bad news.
I love this post!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a friend that I knows lies to me and other people and I now always wonder if she is telling me the truth and what she might be saying when I am not around. It is hard to be around someone that always lies! I may write a post similar to this if I do do you care if I link to your post???
What a great post.
I have a friend who I think lies to me whenever she cancels our get togethers. The excuse she gives me always sounds so made up...and when I ask her about it a few weeks later, she seems to have no recollection of the so-called "event" that made her cancel in the first place.
I'm still her friend, I can't "prove" that she is lying. I just deal with it and realize that I'm not going to change the way she is. But I'm also not going to keep asking her to do stuff all the time because I don't want to hear the excuses. If she wants to get together, she can call ME!
i like to think of myself as a very honest person...but of course we all tell some fibs
you are right
it just tears away at the respect we have for ourselves
i HATE liars!!
it's one thing i cannot tolerate...growing up a lie was the most horrible thing you could do...if you told the truth you got a fair punishment...but if you ever lied...oh dear god help you
i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately about what kind of person i want to be
there are a few things i want to change..one of them being the straight truth
i have one friend who tells it like it is...if you look fat she says it
i love her...cause you know you really look good if she says so, lol
thanks for the great post--it's inspired me to push on with the truth!
I think lies hurt people. period. whether they know it or not. And it's sad when someone feels they need to lie on a continous basis for any reason. And it's an even worse offense when you are lying to a close friend. People can tell themselves they are lying to protect someone else but really when you get down to it, sure maybe it does save the other person some immediate heartache. But really you are protecting yourself ultimately. Because though it may hurt the person being lied to to know they were lied to. They are better off in the end knowing so they can willingly choose whether or not to stay friends with a the person that lied or go on to surround themselfes with less selfish people. Lying can be extremely selfish. Its a scary thing. Though little white lies about clothing? Hmm, you are right that type of thing is in a whole other category.
My favorite part about this post is when you said sometimes we lie to protect ourselves! How true! I don't think I had realized that before: "he won't do that again," "we'll be happy once again," "I don't need anyone but myself."
WOW, how much we protect ourselves!
We have something like this in our family. Someone lied about their degree to get a job and now has to secretly go back to school to get said degree before their job finds out. Not only is it sad but it makes me doubt every word that comes out of that persons mouth which to me makes them a sad sad individual
So incredibly true - great post.
And....I'm officially passing the book along:
http://unexpectedlyexpectingbaby.blogspot.com/2010/07/giveaway-of-my-own.html
WOW...talk about a heavy topic!! I'm not sure God sees it the way we do...for Him a lie is a lie is a lie! We're the ones who differentiate to appease ourselves. Like Grandma always used to say...if you have nothing nice to say, don't open your mouth!
To answer your question...I'm not sure I could handle a friendship that was based on lies or full of lies...its too draining to sort thru it all and figure out what's real.
I call my husband out on every single one of his lies...when WILL he learn!??!!?! lol
This is a thinker!! I can not stand liars and yet, there are times when I have had to do the NO you don't look fat in those pants lies. There is a fine line betwen telling a lie and protecting those you love:)
I agree, lying to myself hurts. I'm not *that* fat. I can eat the fried. That kinda lying...ouch. Lying to others? Not so cool and hurtful to them and you, in your relationships. Life is hard, why make it harder?
White lies, I believe are necessary. Some of us are more sensitive than others and appreciate it. :-)
I think sometimes we make our lies to ourselves sound pretty by calling them rationalizations or, even better, reasons. Telling ourselves things are okay when they're not, ignoring our guts, etc.
I had a friend (yep, notice the past tense) that I was close with since I was a teenager. She moved back to our hometown a few years ago and we were tight, and then little lies started coming out and then more, and soon enough she was a bonafide frenemy, and now we don't even talk. I still have a lot of love for her, we went through a lot together, but I don't know that I would ever consider her a friend again, because once you've lost that trust -- how do you get it back?
I like the "I don't think highly enough of ME to tell you the truth." line. That's so often the truth. I think today's politically correct world has numbed itself against ever hearing the truth about even the simplest things. The Truth gets branded as harsh, unfeeling, and insensitive when really it's just simply the truth.