For the past three months, pregnant women and new babies have been everywhere. My friends "A", "S", and "M" all had their second child in the past few months. My friend, "R"-- who had her first child within days of G's birth-- just found out she's expecting #2 (by the way, "R" is not this friend's real initial; I'm protecting her anonymity, because she hasn't told a ton of people she's pregnant yet... not that I think they read my blog, but you never know!). And I have a heavily pregnant coworker, whom I've watched grow over the past seven months, as she awaits the birth of her son.
If my friends haven't already had or are pregnant with a second child, they're trying. Another friend from work just told me she's trying to beat mother nature's clock as she approaches her 40th birthday. And I've had more discussions about cervical mucous, ovulation pain, and disappointment over Aunt Flo's monthly visit than I've had since G's conception two and a half years ago.
I wanted to join the bandwagon; I didn't want to be left out. DH & I had talk after talk after talk about expanding our family (and my waistline); was it the right time? were we ready financially? emotionally? was G ready?
About three months ago, we decided we were.
I had my IUD taken out, and we were off to the races. We started off good; there's nothing to rev up a couple's sex life like trying to get pregnant. You know, that urgent type of sex that doesn't really exist in a marriage except for the few times when you're trying to conceive?
But soon, I was avoiding the sex that was supposed to bring a new member into our family. I was puzzled; I wasn't sure why I was holding back. The first time around with G, I was absolutely desperate to get pregnant as quickly as possible. But I didn't feel that need this time around.
DH didn't seem to feel that need either. He also turned down offers for a late night nosh session during my peak fertility days. And I didn't get upset. What was wrong with us? Did we need a dose of the little blue pill?
You know that saying, "If all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?" Well, in this case, having a second baby was the proverbial bridge, and yes, I was going to jump off it just because my friends were. I was going to jump off it just because that's what was expected of me, of DH, of us; G's almost 2, and we were starting to get the questions from family and friends, "When are you going to have another one?"
When I was pregnant with G, I treated it as if it were my one and only pregnancy. DH & I only set out to have one child in the first place. I enjoyed being pregnant, and there's a huge part of me that wants to be pregnant again... but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to go through the sleepness nights, the engorged breasts, the constant diaper changes.
I love my daughter-- she is my world, and in what I think is a selfish way, I want to keep her that way. I don't want to share her, not with another child, and I don't want to take any of my attention away from her. Is that wrong? It feels wrong, but I honestly don't know.
What I do know is that DH & I are on the same page with this; as of this month (I'm halfway through, and could technically be preggo, although I don't think so), we aren't trying anymore. Baby #2 is on hold, at least for now-- and maybe, forever. I'm putting it in God's hands. I know He'll tell us when is the right time to have another child, for me, for DH, for G, and for Him.
I want to apologize to the real life friends and family who are learning of our decision-- either to try for a second baby in the first place, or that we're no longer trying-- for the first time on this blog. It's been a tough decision for DH & I, and we didn't want to publicize each and every step along the way. In the end, though, I just needed to get this off my chest (with DH's approval, of course!).
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I am almost 33 weeks pregnant and STILL freaking out about bringing another baby into the family. I am so worried about how it will affect the relationships between the three of us now. It's great that you know that whatever happens is meant to happen!
I definitely understand. We knew we wanted #2, but are struggling with the idea of #3. It's on hold right now as well, and maybe permanently.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have gotten pregnant twice. Like you, we didn't avoid it, it just happened. Now that we're surrounded by our sons, it feels right. If we had tried for them it would have felt off somehow. I think you're right in this.
You're so honest... Love you for it!
I can completely relate to your response to everything around you. G and my little one are only a few weeks apart, and many around us are having their second babies and while I love the idea of having another one, the reality is that we are just not ready. My son is still very attached to me and I like it that way. I would like to have another child eventually, but now is not the right time. It's hard with all of the pressure around us, but we know what is best for us and for our families. Good for you for focusing on that!
You know DH & I have wrestled with this as well... AND while we are making the bare minimum of effort, we are also putting it in God's hands on whether we get pregnant.
There was a TIME magazine article on this, as DH picked it up & put it on my table spot for me to see...
I asked if this meant anything, he said only that it was further proof that if J is our one & only that he'd be okay...
There is a peace that comes with putting it in His hands... Like you, I don't have that frantic need...
And for that, I'm beyond thankful.
If it is right it will happen. G and the newbie will love each other when the time comes. You and DH will be just as awesome with 2 as you guys are with one. Maybe when it happens the newbie can be a Kobe fan?
I think any baby would be lucky to have good parent's like you two! G may struggle at first with the new addition, but she might also love helping you! If and when you're blessed with another (or even a few more!) I'm sure you have plenty of love to go around and they'll be lucky, LUCKY kids!
We're in a similar boat, unwilling to commit to either having a second or not having a second. Most of the time I think it's a great idea, but then there's the part of me that doesn't know if I can go through all of that again. I'm also surrounded by newborns and pregnant women ready to pop, and that makes it so much more difficult.
You must feel so much better now!
Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about not wanting another one right now. My first two were planned - very planned. My last two were COMPLETE surprises - seriously I have NO IDEA how our fourth got here. Up until the week before, I was terrified that something was going to go wrong and that I couldn't possibly love this new kid as much as I love the others and what if I died on the table (all c-sections) and my other kids grew up without a mother. Of course, as soon as I went into the O/R I told EVERYONE, always save the baby if there's a problem, just forget about working on me and concentrate on the baby. As soon as I saw those faces, I changed my mind about not being sure. My four are a HANDFUL and theyd drive me INSANE about 75% of the time, but I cannot imagine my life without them. Whatever God has in store for you will happen. Don't rush anything. Just accept what happens and everyone else will just have to deal with it! Good luck! Sorry if I sound "preachy".
It's a very big decision to make! We did the same thing...Aurora was going to be our one and only. Then when she was around 18months I started feeling like we had to have another...she was lonely, she would be spoiled, she needed another sibling, yada yada. And so we had Alex and I'm not going to lie...the first year I wished we hadn't. We really didn't want another one and weren't ready for the new (and old) challenges it brought. Now, of course, I love him to death and I wouldn't have it any other way but I do wonder what it would be like had we just stayed with one. Good for you for following your heart. And who's to say it won't change down the road?? Good luck!
Good for you for going with your gut on this. There are so many outward pressures on what is a very personal decision and you've risen above that.
That's a difficult decision....and you have done the right thing. If it doesn't feel right, then it's probably not the right time! You'll know when it is (or isn't). Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about your decision...OWN IT!
I'm an only child and I turned out just fine...or that's what most people say anyway ;)
aww... tough decision. and strange how you both sensed it. thanks for sharing your story, elizabeth!
You are wise. Very, very wise. And I think you nailed it -- God will let you know when (or if) the right time comes around! I know everyone expected us to have our second sooner than we did -- and *He* made it abundantly clear when the time was right!
Great honesty and it's such a personal decision. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing (I know, I sit here typing this almost 17 weeks pregnant with #2). But you need to do what is right for your family-- whether it's one, two, or six. One of my closest friends has one and only wants that one. Another has 2 and wants 4 more.
I can remember thinking that when I started trying for another after my daughter. I thought "Will it be hard on her?" Don't feel guilty. I ended up with three, and they are all very loved and love each other so much- but to each his own. There is no perfect number or ratio for the best family possible! :)
I can totally relate. I really liked being pregnant and when others were having their first (after I had mine the year before) I really wanted another baby. We decided to wait until my son was over two before we tried again and I am glad I waited. Now even though I know I only want two and a very complicated c-section I know Im done, but that still doesn't make the itch go away!
I love your honesty. It's always brought me back for more :)
I think you're making a wise choice for you guys (at least for right now)...so many people jump the gun without giving it as much thought as you clearly have.
Not that you should care what I (or anyone else) thinks. This is such a deeply personal decision, and good for you for going with your gut.
I'm a while out from considering a second, but I can imagine it will go something like this for me as well. I like showering all my attention on Ava, and even so feel guilty about tending to other things, so how would I feel with a second??
Hang in there and it sounds like you both are doing the right thing.
With our first child, the Mrs. was preggers in the second month of trying. We took several years and began trying again. The second time around we almost given up and had tried everything--that is when the twins came along.
Now the Mrs. runs away from me at full speed if i get less than an arm's length away from her.
It sounds like you've definitely thought about it and discussed it and made the right decision for you guys.
The good news is, if you want to try again later, you always gan!
can't say I know what you're going through because we've never actually made the decision to try, all three just sort of happened. (well obviously we know how but two were one time slip ups and the middle one happened despite 2 forms of protection but I thank god for that because I can't imagine my life without him) but I also do sometimes feel guilty because I have three amazing kids. but put them together and they spell headahces. as an only child myself the simple noise of it all is overwhelming for me and I lose my patience way to quickly. I LOVE my one on one outings with my kids!!! nothing wrong with keeping your one and only just that way if that's what you want!!!!!!!!!
I could have written that second-to-last paragraph verbatim. I know exactly what you mean. It's nice being a group of three...for now, at least. And maybe forever.
I know what you mean. We sort of always planned on more than one. And now our first is about a year and a half and I got my first - this person with a younger child than yours is on her way to #2 from a family member a couple of months ago.
We had our plans all set to start and the time came and I started to freak. The monkey isn't the world's greatest sleeper (though she mostly sleeps through now) and is REALLY hard to put to bed at night. What if I had 2 like that at once? My brother and I don't get along - what about sibling rivalry? The monkey does have a jealous streak when she doesn't have mommy's full attention...
And then I see tiny little ones and - oh, did my uterus just sigh?
It is tough...
I'm an only child and always wanted to have an only child. Other people started having kiddo #2 and we were wondering if we should. For a long time, I had ZERO intention of having another child. At some point, though, I really wanted it. I struggled tremendously with it even though I wanted a second child. How can you love more than one child? Will our daughter think she wasn't "enough"? Will this completely change the dynamic of our family??
I had serious anxiety about this off and on during my pregnancy but seriously, it ALL went away when I was holding our little guy. That is such a terrible cliche but proved to be true for us. It *has* changed the dynamic of our family...for the better. I love watching our daughter be an amazing big sister and I appreciate the lessons we're all learning about sharing and being a family of four.
That said, if it really isn't your heart's desire, there is NOTHING in the world wrong with having an only child. I loved being an only child growing up. It's kind of hard as an adult believe it or not. There is no perfect family with the 2.5 kids and 1 dog.
Love your honesty!