28 years today, I was reborn...
As you know, I am adopted. I have always been proud of that (as I discussed in this post). But at times over the past two years, I've had a few doubts about how I ended up with my family... about my legacy as an adopted child.
It all began when I got pregnant with G. I've had multiple friends who underwent invasive infertility treatments (at the cost of tens of thousands of dollars) for a chance to be pregnant, rather than the sure thing of adoption. But it was when my own mother-- the woman who had adopted me at 5 weeks, 6 days old-- told me that she still felt a hole in her belly when she saw a pregnant woman that I truly began to question who I was, and where I came from.
It made me wonder-- where would I be today if fertility treatments like IVF and IUI had been around 30 years ago? Would my parents have opted to risk their entire savings account on a hope and prayer, and never considered me? Growing up, I always felt like I was my parents' whole world; so much so, that being adopted was a point of pride for me, something that made me unique among my peers. But knowing that I wasn't enough-- even to the two people who meant the most in the world to me-- almost made me change my views on adoption...
Almost...
After G came into my world, I realized how hard it is to care for a child. I realized how, in order to raise a happy, well-adjusted child, you have to literally devote your entire world to that little person. And I realized that no person-- no parent-- would take on such an enormous task if they didn't whole-heartedly love that child.
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.
One gave you a nationality,
The other gave ou a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.
Two different lives shaped
to make your one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
The first gave you life,
The second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you up,
It was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question through the years;
Heredity or Environment, which are you a product of?
Neither my darling, neither;
Just two different kinds of love.
This was a very heartfelt post. I read an article the other day in a fashion magazine about Sandra Bullock and the adoption of her child. She made a profound statement "Just because they baby isn't growing inside of you doesn't mean it's not your child'...well something along those lines. It really touched me, and even though I am only 22 I definitely would like to adopt in the future.
Great post!
Something that hits close to home for me, as I am adopted as well.
Mary Ellen
What a great post!! I am glad you were blessed with great parents!!!!
I have a full blooded sister my parents put up for adoption before they married (they were 18). We have since found her and made her a part of our lives.
She would not have it any other way: her adoptive family was wonderful (sounds a whole lot better than my own!) and we met her shortly before her mom died. It was meant to be!
Well said!
I am not adopted or have I ever adopted a child, but with that being said...I am gonna totally be lost when my babies leave home!
My husband asked me one time a few years back what I would do when the kids are grown and on their own...I replied almost immediately...We will adopt a few more!
So know when we hit another milestone or birthday he says another year closer to that adoption.
Thanks for sharing.
I know how you feel... I was also adopted when I was just a few months old. I just don't get how people can't understand adoption as a great and wonderful thing. If I was also unable to have children I would have easily adopted. My "real mother" gave me life, but my "REAL MOTHER" gave me LOVE....
This is my favorite post of yours! I think you know about my middle son and I wonder everyday if he will have thoughts like this...the poem is awesomely beautiful I am putting this in his scrapbook!
Adoption is hard though some people are afraid of the completely unknown and I can understand both sides being a daughter from a father who was adopted and still has issues to this day, a mom who has adopted a son, and a mom who has 2 biological...I love this post Elizabeth ♥
I just emailed that poem to my sister. I have 6 siblings, and my 2nd oldest was adopted from Korea when she was 5. The doctor's told my mom she wasn't able to have anymore kids... so, of course they wanted to adopt! Who knew that a few years later she'd have 5 more girls!?
Great post, Elizabeth. :)
What a beautiful poem!!
This a great post - I admire you putting this out there. (((Hugs)))
beautiful. it's certainly not WHO carried you, but WHO raised you and loved you. i've considered adoption myself, given that i've had numerous miscarriages, but have also been lucky enough to give birth to two beautiful boys. the joy of carrying a child is amazing, but there is amazing joy in adopting as well. and the end result for both is having a child of your own to love and nurture and shape.
What a nice post! It's so true that we don't define ourselves as mothers based on how well we birthed our children, but how well we raised our children. We had trouble getting pregnant, and, although we ended up having two children, one long-awaited surprise and one total surprise, we were looking at adoption at the time. For us, it was far more about sharing the rest of our lives rather than sharing those nine months.
I have always thought of adoption as a beautiful thing. I have 3 cousins who were all adopted into the same family, and they have a wonderful life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I hope that you get everything figured out. :)
What an amazing post! It gave me chills. I can't believe that women actually said such hurtful things to you.
It takes a very special person to adopt a child and I am truely in aw of those families that do.
I also love your poem.
Beautiful! I had no idea you were adopted - I am thrilled to have discovered this as our family leaps into doing foster care and we are, of course, open to adoption with the children we take in.
I can only speak from our experiences thus far, but even with having THREE bio kids, adoption is still something my heart desires. I suppose it's simply because I am a Christian, and believe firmly that our call as Christians is to care for the orphans - to take in the needy.
I will be thrilled to tell any child that we might adopt in the future that I didn't "settle" to adopt... we longed for it. That we felt so strongly that a child was already out there, or was soon to be born, that was meant to be with us - we couldn't NOT adopt to find that child.
That's exactly how I feel. Our family isn't complete - and I don't feel my womb would produce the child we are waiting for. (or children.. who knows!)
Several of my friends have adopted b/c they had gotten their tubes tied and regretted it - and I can say FOR SURE that the love they have for those children is no different than the love they have for their bio children. In fact, at times it may be greater, depending upon what trials you've gone through to seal that adoption.
Thank you for posting this, it is so beautiful! I hope that we can provide a great home for a baby or child that needs it, and that they can turn out to be as remarkable of an adult as you!
So touching! Almost made me cry! Love that I can come back here for a good dose of reality when I need it! Great post!
~Tanya
That was a very heartfelt post!!
My oldest brother is adopted. After they adopted him, my mom went on to carry adn deliver three more children (she had 3 miscarriages prior to adopting). She has never, ever treated my brother any differently and absolutely loves him just as she loves the rest of us.
It makes me so sad when people look at adoption as a bad thing.
Beautiful post. The docs told us we'd have to do IVF and I told them "no way." I didn't see a point it throwing away all that money and maybe not having a baby to love. We actually became pg with our son when we were going through adoption classes, and didn't end up adopting, but the idea still nags at me. Maybe we still will!
I almost didn't post this... I actually would have deleted it if I hadn't gotten sick at work this morning (fun times!)... but I'm glad I did. I'm so amazed it struck a chord with so many of you! Thanks for your loving comments :)
Oh, and I can't take credit for the poem. It's an anonymous piece my mother found years ago in a Dear Abby article.
~Elizabeth
What a beautiful post, Elizabeth! I have been away from the blogosphere for a couple of weeks so I read through your last four posts. I wish more people would chose adoption over IVF. There are so many children out there who could use good homes.
what a great post.. i have been going back and forth for a few years now about becoming a foster parent or even adopting another child. the only thing really holding me back is $ and the fact that I am not married.. i would be doing it all alone. and i know I can.. its just a matter if i am ready yet.. and i dont think i am...
but thank you for sharing this!
ps Im forwarding an award on to you...
Check out my blog for details!! :-)
http://www.overthinkingmama.com/2010/05/i-received-award-yay-me.html
xxoo
<3
Overthinking Mama
What a lovely post. A good friend of mine who wasn't able to conceive made a very interesting comment once. They adopted a little girl whom they absolutely adore, and she said she still felt "inadequate" as a woman, because she wasn't able to have her own kids. (probably that same "hole in the belly" feeling of your mom's). She said the adopted baby was her whole life, and the inadequate feeling had nothing to do with the baby, just with her own "failure as a woman." Like my friend, I hope your mom knows she isn't a failure just because of some biological quirk.
What an amazing post. Honestly, I wonder about the women who go to extreme measures to have babies. I mean, it's their choice and their money, but there are babies who need homes who are already out there.
I admire you for speaking your mind and heart on this.
wow. Great post liz. I'm glad you're here. :)
Jesslyn, I love your story about your friend. It gives me a clearer perspective on my mom's feelings! Thanks for sharing it.
Wow, what a fantastic story and lovely poem. Certainly one of my favorite posts.
Wow that poem was beautiful!!!I didn't know before now that you were adopted. Thanks for sharing your story and your perspective on it.
WOW! This made me tear up! It's beautiful!
When husband and I were having a hard time conceiving we considered adoption and yes, people around us where all, "you can't raise another person's child!"
We finally got pregnant (without any treatments), and we hope to still adopt one day.
What a wonderful post. I'm glad you posted it. I don't have any experience with adoption myself, but I have never understood how people justify spending the money on IVF, etc. when there are so many children in this world who desperately need homes. I don't mean to be judgy, but I just don't get it. That, and people like the Duggars, who obviously have the means to care for many children...why don't they just adopt some who need homes?
I came to visit via Mrs. 4444's contest. What a beautiful poem; I am going to share it with my daughter (whom I adopted when she was 10 years old).
She was left in the care of grandparents by her drug addicted bio's and the grandparents abused her beyond your imagination. She is 34 now and a Mommy and everyone thinks out of my 4 kids she looks and acts most like me. I love all of my kids dearly; but I chose this one.
That was a very well-written, thought provoking post. I think so often people don't really think before they speak. Thanks for the reminder to all of us.
This is a truly heartfelt post. I have never been able to understand why people choose to spend thousands to try and have a baby of their own. They could take those thousands and give an unwanted baby a wonderful home. There are thousands of children in this country that need homes.
Thank you for sharing this story about your life.
I also wanted to let you know that I gave you an award on my blog! Congratulations.
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Beautiful story...Our daughter is adopted by my husband!! Thanks for grabbing my button...You are AWESOME!!! :-D
Elizabeth,
This is truly beautiful. You were chosen and that is something special indeed (by both mothers).
I can't have any more children but if Jason and I decide to, we definitely want to adopt rather than go the IVF route.
It would be an honor.
Thank you for this very moving and dear post.
My sister placed her first daughter for adoption, and our family was blessed to meet and spend some time with the adopting couple. It was such an awesome experience, and you could just feel how right it was for everyone involved. I always wonder if my sister's daughter will want to meet her... I wonder if she'll know that she has half-sisters... I wonder a lot, actually.
Elizabeth,
Thank you for perspective from the other side. As a step-dad and a foster-dad on top of being a bio-dad, I have to say that I love hearing stories from adults who were loved as children!
Yes, it takes a special kind of person to fall in love with a child that isn't biologically theirs. For those of us in the know ... that love is no less deep ... no less pervasive.
Thanks for sharing!
I loved this post! I dont get to keep up with your blog like I would like to, but I'm glad I got to see this one. Since becoming a mother, I am realizing just how deep my step fathers love is for me. He's raised me since I was 5 years old. Seeing today that my children are absolutely his grandchildren, without a doubt or hesitation is just so very speial to me.
Thanks for sharing! I have a heart to adopt one day. I am hoping I'll be able to!
This was awesome... And I love how close you & your mom are that she can be so totally honest with you.
And that you understand instead of resenting her for it.