Did I ever mention that I don't do change well?
It's been a problem of mine ever since I can remember.
How did I react to my first year at my dream college?
...NOT by threatening to transfer.
How did I handle impending wedding?...certainly NOT by panicking.
And how did I greet the new manager (whose position I bypassed) when she started at my station a few days ago?...definitely NOT with open hostility.
I know this is my weakness. DH knows this is my weakness. Even my bosses know this is my weakness. There are constant meetings at my work about how to get me to be more "flexible" (aka, have less of a stick-up-my-bum). It's a bit of an issue.
Over the past couple of months, I've spent a lot of time talking to my counselor about this fear of change. I always assumed it was simply because I was an old
My counselor told me it wasn't so much change I feared but loss. At first, I protested-- I guess I was afraid of changing my perspective on something that's plagued me for so long. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was right.
Why was I so afraid of starting college at a school hundreds of miles from home?
...I was afraid of losing my high school boyfriend.
Why was I so afraid of getting married?...I was scared I'd lose my independence.
Why was I so hostile to my new coworker?...I was nervous I'd lose what little freedom I have at my job.
The more I thought about every change in my past-- how I'd handled it, and more importantly, why I was so resistant to it-- I realized that, at the core of each and every action or, in some cases, inaction, was FEAR OF LOSS.In light of the "New Year, New You" campaign that Julia & I undertaking, I am hoping to change how I respond and react to, well, change! I know it will be tough. There's a saying that it takes three weeks to break habit, and this is something I've been doing-- rather instinctively-- for my entire life. I have a feeling that it's going to take me a lot longer than just 21 days to break this cycle of fear.
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What changes do you need to make to live a fuller life?
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Elizabeth....seriously, separated at birth perhaps?!
Everyone in my life also knows I don't do change well...at all! I've gotten better over the years, but still not great at it.
College...same story. I was afraid of losing my boyfriend, so I actually came home after a semester. One semester later and I was back at college of course.
Wedding - yep, panicked too.
And your counselor is right on. A fear of loss and control is usually the culprit.
For me, the things I am changing is my balance in life. Well, I am actively working on it anyhow. Some of my posts next week are about this very topic. Again, similarities!
Tamara
www.theunexperiencedmom.com
You changed something because now I can't read your posts in Google Reader! Happy holidays! Miss you!
Thanks for this post =)
I loved it and I will tell you there are tons of things I could change but to be a better me I need to just love some of those things the way they are and focus on some serious issues like my health and weight the rest will have to be in limbo until 2011 ;)
I'm weird in that I embrace change- even just the possibility of it- because that means that the suckiness could possibly go away.
Love your tip for today. We're joining a gym- but not until February, when it's less crowded.
I love having those epiphanies like you did with your counselor! It really gives such freedom, doesn't it? But I think since you are now aware of it, it will be a lot easier to break than you think. Good luck with it!
By the way, I love your tip for today!
Great post!
Just wanted to let you know about my button swap and the chance for your blog to be featured! Check it out:
http://singing-in-the-rain24.blogspot.com/2009/12/button-swap.html
I don't do change either, in fact, if I am forced to change...I get really, pretty depressed. I don't like change, because I don't like to be taken out of my comfort zone. That's why the call it a comfort zone, and I'd be happy to just stay in it. Unfortunately, life doesn't let you just hang out in your comfort zone. It forces you to step out, and I do not like stepping out!
I completely understand I have a similar goal in 2010. I really want to work to bring out the best in myself which means letting go of stuff I have hung on to, mainly my insecurities. I think they stem from being scared to fail, or be alone, or to change. My goal for my new year is to focus on those amazing things in my life and try to move away from that negativity that creeps in when I am not on my game so to speak. I think is some instances it would be easier battling those 20 women for the eliptical the battling myself in my head
I was like this awhile ago. But then someone told me change what you can control if you can't change it don't try to control it. SO I live by that now. I also believe in the power of positive thinking. Especially when it comes to change. Now I embrace change and welcome it. It keeps life spicey in my eyes. But I totally understand where you are coming from.
Thanks so much! I just added yours!
Thanks so much I added yours too! :)
So the question becomes... what steps are you taking to embrace change? To end the fear of loss? Recognition is the first step, but to succeed, you have to have a solid plan.
I'm one who loves change. If things don't get all mixed up or new responsibilities handed to me at work or whatever... I need stability but I also need change or else I get bored, I get complacent, I get testy. My challenge used to be to find positive change instead of creating chaos to invoke change. But now that I have an almost 5 year old and a 2 year old, change is happening faster than I can keep up with!
Change is not my friend either..
First of all, I HATE the gym in January. It's horrible the entire month so I only go on the weekends.
I have a love/hate relationship with change. When I am looking for it and need it I love it. When it catches me by surprise I am not so fond of it. I am trying to embrace change but it doesn't seem to work for me. And then I get mad at it when I can't get the change I am looking for. It's a vicious circle.
I blogged about my changes on my blog. http://mhjinich.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/new-year-new-you/
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
The first step is recognizing an issue, and the second is to identify it. It sounds like you've done both successfully. I wish you much luck in making your changes!!
Change is tough. I'm surprised anyone does it well. Good luck in your endeavor!
My sponsor tells me that all fear can be traced back to two big fears: fear of not getting what we want, and fear of losing what we already have. I, too, have to work really, really hard at being open to change, EVEN if I know the change is a positive one. So if I sit down and identify which big fear it is, I can usually make it okay.
Interesting insight! Thanks for sharing. I love those counseling breakthroughs!
My big change for this year will be my weight.
Happy new year!
Thank you for sharing your ideas and insights. I agree, understand, and have lived these same fears.
I have to work on my control issues. You know that whole thing of if you want something done right just do it yourself...well I need to let go of that sometimes and let the hubs take control of things once in a while!
Sometimes we allow fear to excuse us.
I am looking forward to some changes in my employment and living situation.
And I am grateful for the loss of the extra baby weight gained ... that can stay in 2009
Visiting from SITS
I want to find something i can be passionate about. I'm a mom. yada yada yada. I'm a wife. b*o*r*i*n*g. I'm an employee. Yawn...
I need something to get me excited. Something to look forward to.
My goal in 2010 is to find that something. I'm 37. Time's a wastin'. lol