I know I'm a big girl...
But saying the "S"-word on my blog (or typing it, rather) just feels crude.
Because the "S"-word I'm talking about isn't the one that rhymes with "hit"...
Here's the deal:
If you're a mother like me-- or, a woman who has been married for any respectable length of time-- you've probably hit a dry spell in your marriage at one time or another. (Unless you're my friend who writes this blog; I don't know how she does it!) It's tough to balance work, family, spouse, house, friends, and still find the time to be, er, horny intimate.
DH & I have found ourselves at that crossroad over the past year.
First, it started when I didn't heal from delivering G as quickly as we'd hoped. When the doctor gave us the "all clear" at six weeks post-partum, DH was raring to go. I was decidedly not; I made him wait another seven weeks. Then, after one attempt, I decided to convert to a life of celibacy. It was just too painful. And that's basically how things went for the next six months or so. We'd get back on the proverbial saddle, I'd fall off, then it would take DH weeks or even months to persuade me to try again. It was a vicious, downward spiral, one that wasn't doing anything for our marriage.
Things improved-- slightly-- when we sought marital counseling. Our therapist reminded us how important it was for us to maintain a phyical connection. She told us that while verbal communication was important, communicating in other ways was crucial as well.
But old habits die hard, and after nearly two years (if you count the intermittant "intimacy" of my pregnancy, as well) of haphazard love-making, it was difficult to find the time, the energy, and the urge to really reconnect between the sheets. I was convinced all the hormones of pregnancy and nursing had utterly killed my drive; DH was tired of being shot down and didn't initiate at all. We were between a rock and a hard place (Wow, that is a bad pun).
And that's when I had an idea.
I had read an article in Ladies Home Journal (of all places!) in which the author had challenged her husband to have, er, intercourse for 100 days straight. I thought that was a bit extreme... but I thought it was a good jumping off point:
ME: Honey, what do you think about having intercourse every day for a month?
DH: You mean, we'd get to get it on for 30 straight days?
ME: Yeah, that's the idea.
DH: I'm in. (He's now running up the stairs, ripping off his clothes as he goes.) Can we start today?
So, we embarked on a 30-day challenge. I won't go into the nitty dirty details here, but let's just say... We failed after just three days.
We only made it THREE MEASLY DAYS.
It was one of the days when DH had just started his new training program and had a lot of homework, and I'd been up all night with a sick baby (and a sick mommy). Neither of us felt up to it (geez, another bad pun!).
In all, out of that 30-day period, we only "got together" eight days.
But you know what?
We're not newlyweds any more. We have a lot of responsibilities-- but this little experiment taught us that we also have a responsibility to each other; to stay connected, to keep our romance alive, to keep that spark glowing brightly.
And over the past 30 days, we did all that. We kissed more, even when we weren't thinking about what it might lead to. There were more hugs. More quiet conversations by candlelight with a glass of wine. More heart-felt text messages during the day.
We might not have technically met our goal... but we got where we needed to be.
Sounds like us! We've been married for 9 years...2 kids later, yep it's tough. You are not alone, thanks for posting this:)
I am too darn tired!!
Pre kids I had thr drive of a 17 yr old boy ... now ... just letme sleep!
LOL
How wonderful you've found more intimacy!!
I have heard of the couple that did the 100 day challenge too. I am not up for that either!
We are in the same boat. After my delivery I was in terrible pain also but my doctor urged me to "press on" because the stimulation would help my muscles heal ya-da-ya-da.
Now we work opposite schedules and have no energy to, you know. I am lucky to even get a kiss before bed!
Thanks for sharing with us. It is good to know that others are in the same boat.
First of all, I am so sorry you had a hard time recovering. I have not had a child, but I do know how painful it can be having sex if things are "right" down there. And I know what it feels like to not have sex for months because of it.
Second, kudos to you for doing it 8 times in one month! THat's twice a week which I think is a healthy number to shoot for. Yes, most men would love to have sex every day, but for a married couple with a child and other responsibilities, 8 times a month is a good number. Keep it up. It really does make for a stronger relationship.
Elizabeth, you are not alone at all! Thanks for being so open!
With the young children, having time to share as a couple is near impossible. I think we are in the figuring things out stage--which we have been able to at least make a running joke of.
This hits home for me. I don't think we were actually as bad off (sorry...I'm certain I should use a better terminology, but my mind is blank) as you guys were, but our relationship was suffering.
If you ask me, 8 times is great! I'm sure my hubby would feel the same way.
We're working on it. Maybe we'll get there this month! ;-)
If I challenge my husband to have sex every day for a month then that means I'd have to be up for the challenge as well and let's just say I'm NOT! ;)
Great post! I know it's something lots of couples struggle with.
Hmmm.lemme see. I know that if I told my husband that we were going to have sex for 30 days straight that he'd probably well... err, (let's just say he'd be taking his clothes off right there).
We've hit those roadblocks too. We have been together 15 years, married 9 and have two kids. So it's safe to say we're not newlyweds anymore. Our romance has had to be rekindled many times. If only I wasn't so tired all the time....
So happy for you on your connection!
Sex, what's that?! LOL I've never really had much of a sex drive. MIke on the other hand is a typical man. He's like your DH and got tired of being turned down all the time. Now when I do offer it up, he's uninterested or is afraid I'll change my tune again..
Plus, now I'm so tired from work and driving a lot each day that i Have no energy!!
oy!
So I HAVE to ask? Did you climb into my body and write this? We are pretty much the same, word for word!
I feel like its my fault most of the time, because I'm the one with no sex drive. I've heard once you hit 30, you want it all the time, I can only hope that's accurate ;)
My husband jokingly said to me the other day.... 'How long do you think it would take us to get pregnant?' I replied that I had NO idea, and why would he ask me that. 'Because that's the only time you continuously want sex.' I felt terrible, and have been trying my hardest every since to be more available to him, but I'm still falling short! I wish there was a magic pill or button to take/push! Sheesh!
Am I on candid camera? Are you privately watching me in my home?
I thought a full eight hours of sleep was sex!
It's been so long I don't remember (-:
I'm a single dad, and the lack of regular sex and intimacy drives me nuts. I'm sorry to hear you two have had problems in that department, but I hope you work it out. The physical connection is huge.
I think the hard part for us guys is that we just don't understand that our wives deal with so much on a daily basis that sometimes you wives just dont want to be bothered. Most of us husbands consider it not a task but fun and at the end of a long day, the wives are just to tired and not wanting to be hung u=on, clung onto and messed with. It is tough for both sides.
I did a post last week or so about how Dr. Oz gave tip on how to make the sex life happen from a guys side. It has worked. He is my new best friend.
Just remember Elizabeth, DH is THE MAN, THE STUD YOU MARRIED, THE ATHLETE, THE COP. MAN IN A UNIFORM. With a NIGHTSTICK, HANDCUFFS, get the point
thanks for the honest post!
good for you for trying--you are brave to suggest a 30 day challenge..no way would that have crossed my lips!
i'm on strike here
ps--i have one of those go-getter friends too (we all threaten to kill her for bringing it up at group gatherings...she almost caused a wedding to be called off between one couple over it)
Great post, I think this is something every couple struggles with at one time or another.
I've been with my husband for going on 10 years and we've married almost 4 of those. We now have our 2 1/2 year old daughter. It definitely took us time to adjust after the birth of our daughter to get back into the swing of things. He's still way more in the mood than I'll probably ever be, but honestly, in all our time together, we probably have the best sex life we've ever had! I think it's because we communicate better now than we ever did before, and I need that connection before any other type of "connection" can be made :)
We actually tried this after my husband heard about this challenge on the radio and we also lasted a whopping 3 days. We have tried to be closer though because like you we have had a hard time connecting in our everyday lives. Thanks for this honest post.
We do cute little random things all the time to keep the "spark" alive, and are still fairly good at finding time for the "s" thing too. We kiss each other all the time, hug, say "thank you for xxxx" (like "doing the laundry" or "cooking"), leave a note on the door for the other person to see when they come home, say "I love you" all the time, flirt all the time, as we briefly pass by one another on our way to do chores, take care of the baby, etc. We're still very much like our teenage selves in the flirting department. You just have to make an effort to let your spouse know that despite the craziness, the lack of sleep and lack of time, that you still love them, and love being with them, even if it's a 2-second playful smack on the butt as you briefly see each other before going separate ways again.
N and I waited 10 weeks because of my healing issues after having bbz. It hurt terribly even after that, but we kept trying and eventually things got better. For me it was scar tissue and stretching it was the only way to fix it.
Our tough spot is that we need sex to be connected, but I want to be connected to have sex! It's something we have to constantly work at, but we are getting better about talking about it and being open.
Thanks for posting this...it's nice to know that we aren't alone in these marriage struggles!
First of all, BRAVO for bringing this subject up- there are a number of things I'd love to bring up over at my place, but, I've recently been informed that certain people I know are reading my blog ... like the whole friggin' neighborhood ... and so, thank GOD for you ... and for Romance- well, my hubbs and I take 4, four day trips away each year ... and that's just about where it all happens- better than nothing, eh?
SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX!!! You can say it! ;-) I feel like I'm missing something if we go more than two days without it (sex). I also get SUPER GRUMPY if I don't have it (sex). I also know it's (sex is) a physical need for The Husband, so even if I don't feel up to it (sex), I'll still do it (sex) -- and I am never, ever, EVER sorry I did! (That being said -- I had 3rd degree tearing w/#1, and it took a while for it --sex -- to feel normal again, I feel for you there!)
We have a lot of romance...hugs, kisses, flirting, etc...I feel it's important for the kids to see us being affectionate. And we try to have a date by ourselves about once a month. But we only really have sex once a week...we are just too tired to do anymore than that! It's a bummer but it's getting easier as the kids get older!
I would like to copy and paste what Much More Than Mommy said. Except it's Hubs that gets grumpy, (which eventually makes me grumpy too). Oh and luckily I didn't have any tears with either of my kids.
So sex is kind of like taking a shower for us... You got to do it at least every other day to stay fresh.
Oh how I wish my hubby and I had sex more often but as it is right now it's a few times a month, if that. So sad. But life gets in there and messes stuff up doesn't it?
We focus on being each others friend and right now we're working on better communication. When we actually have a door to our bedroom things WILL get better.
Last night we went out to dinner and had AMAZING conversation. It would have been great to follow that up with sex but sometimes you just have to take what you can get...and that's ok.
I think you must be a fly on the wall of our bedroom! Same thing with us. Good for you for making an effort to improve your marriage in that department.
I'm totally in awe of your honesty. I think that we've probably all been there at one time or another.
We've also hit a bit of a dry spell. I'm not sure if you recall, but I also didn't heal well either, so DH had to wait for 12 weeks PP! And after that, I always had to be a bit tipsy... I was always afraid it would hurt, and ssshhh always seems better after a glass of wine. We had a very dry spell this last month b/c I wasn't on any bc, and we are SO not ready for another one yet. So.... we stayed REALLY far away from each other. Lol.
I had some friends who embarked on a 25 day challenge and surpassed it. It really was a jump start for them!!
For us it seems we "get together" on this three-day break...and rarely during his 6-day work week. He is a mids officer...so finding time in his routine seems difficult. Especially seeing as how I am NOT a morning person...so NOTHING happens then.
But you are right, it is important to find the time, especially with us TRYING to get pregnant.
Maybe a challenge will be in our future!!
First let me just say that Sarah was 9lbs and 5 oz and that little girl torn me so bad - they basically had to rebuild me - so I feel your PAIN!!!!
We go in spurts too, but find that the more we have it the more we want it and make time for it.
The new sofa in the basement helps :-)
Very honest post! And a thought provoking read. Our twin girls just turned 1 at the end of January so 2009 was not the best for sex. With 3 kids under 2, we were just too dang exhausted! Once the twins started sleeping through the night things got MUCH better. After both pregnancies I was able to try again after 4 weeks. We had to be gentle for another 2 weeks or so, but at least we were there. I'm one of those women who loves the intimacy and connectedness of it all. And even if I weren't in the mood, I don't say no. My husband meets my needs and I meet his. Have you tried doing "other things?" In reconnecting in this department last year we bought some toys. Nothing too kinky (feather tickler, chocolate body paint, etc.) and had fun using those without full-on sex when we were too tired. It rapidly ramped up both our sex drives. And made everything more fun!
Elizabeth!
Great post. I think a majority of women can identify. I wish I was one of the minority, but alas, I'm not. I have been saying (for years now) that I need to get better in this department, but it's just not easy with life (kids, work, blah blah blah). Thanks for sharing!
Candace
http://thoughtsaboutlifeandthelike.blogspot.com
And I love that you pointed out that other areas of your relationship improved - the kissing, hugging, intimate conversation, love-note texting, etc. I don't know why that stuff so easily falls by the wayside when we get swamped with life! I'll suddenly realize that DH and I haven't flirted or been sweet to each other for a few days and it's a shock. Just maintaining those little things will probably work wonders for all us over-worked, over-tired couples. :)
I totally understand. As proven by previous commenters, you are not alone. It was very difficult to get back into it after my oldest was born. The feeling just wasn't there. Then we had our second child and it just got worse. My husband was frustrated and angry, but I just didn't want to. I felt bad about it, so I would give in just so he would shut up! I think it really turned around for us when I made the decision to put him first in all things (besides God). When I chose to let him lead, I gave in to some of his unusual requests in bed and found that sometimes thinking outside of the box can be quite pleasurable. (for the record, we've never invited anybody else into our bed). We've even been discussing the idea of a christian sex blog.
Like others I wonder if you climbed into my head... I just told DH the other night that I'm getting "twitchy" over not having sex in a month & half & on nights when J won't sleep AND DH is showered & in bed waiting on me - I can't handle it b/c I get more than just twitchy with J...
Needless to say, I didn't get any that night either...
Sucks.
Great post Elizabeth. I can totally relate. You hate to use the excuse that you got out of practice but you sort of do. I was on bed and pelvic rest from about 20+ weeks on my pregancy even though I was happy to jump in bed then. But after delivering a 9 lb 15.6 ounce baby, I needed a break. Raising a baby takes a lot out of you and sometimes, a lot of times, I am just seriously ready for bed because I'm tired and not wanting to be up for hours like we used to be. I think it hurts the hubbies feelings a lot. It's a hard situation. Thanks for sharing. I have thought about writing on this but the hubby reads the blog and wouldn't want me to share.
found your blog on Foursons and love it!
I can totally, completely, one hundred percent relate to this. We have three little ones under the age of four, and by the time there's a change for the "s" word ... I'm drooling on myself. =)
Great blog! I'm your newest follower!
yup - we've hit a dry spell over the last year or so too. It's pretty hard to make time for hanky panky with two young children, which I try to explain to the hubs. I'm willing to make time for quickies, but I think he feels like that's getting old. I'm like, most guys with young kids aren't hittin' it AT ALL anymore - be thankful for what you've got buddy!
I saw that show, and thought they were insane, who has that kind of energy!
I won't even make that kind of promise to my hubby. He gets at least twice a week...good enough for me!!! I am so paranoid that I'll get pregnant naturally even though my chances are less then 1% that it makes me NOT want to even have sex...
Plus let's even talk about the baby belly....certain positions are just out of the question!!!!
Love that you posted this. I actually didn't have any dry spells during or after my pregnancies....I was horny-ier for some reason. With my first one I didn't even last the full 6 weeks, that was bad but I was fine. After my csection it was a little longer though.
After my hubs and I first got married we actually went through what I like to call a "weird period" we kind of lost touch with each other. We found our spark again and since I learned it burns like mega calories we make it a weekly priority!
~Jen~
Elizabeth, that is too funny! Hate to ask, but doesn't my hubs need to be home the same time as me to have...er, you know...?
oh, we've all been there. i just always remember that it's a need for my husband! he's usually semi-happy w/ 2-3 days a week. so i keep that in mind. of course when moving and other things come up... it gets pushed aside. you guys did great... by shooting for 30, you ended up with 8!! that's 2 days a week!! way to go!
Great post, I love your honesty!
I'm waiting for the day that my Hubby's sex drive slows down! Maybe the same day my sex drive revs up???? I'm not a very sexual person...at all! So I have to try really hard to "please" my hubby in the bedroom. But I find a few seconds, er, minutes of my time is worth a lot to him. I want to make him happy, just like he makes me happy by helping out around the house or with the kids.
I tell him he's super lucky to be getting it 3 times a week! He thinks that's normal.....HAHA! If only he knew...
100 days straight... Good Lord!
We keep our connection w/date night once a month, early bedtime once a week at minimum and always a kiss before we leave eachother (even if it is with stinky breath because it's so early in the morning).
Yep- been there :)
Luckily, like you we made the jump back over. Way to address it girl!
I think pretty much any couple with young kids goes through this!
Our kids are almost 4 and almost 2 and I'm usually so tired at the end of the day that its the last thing on my mind. We were going many weeks at a time without any action, so I decided to implement a routine.
Routine sounds scary and boring, but it doesn't have to be. We both know that on Tuesdays and Fridays, those nights are for us- cuddling, talking, watching a movie together, whatever. And it usually leads to the bedroom. We find just being together without kids makes us want to be together intimately. Its a pretty good aphrodesiac! :)
Good luck!
The saying "the more you do it, the more you want it" really is true, by the way! ;)
OMG--the mulch pile was enough! I cracked up...but a "gem"??? Can you imagine having to wear that???
I've never heard of it; do people really do that? It said they were making one from Michael Jackson's hair...Oh, God, I don't want to offend you...your mother isn't serious, is she? Sounds like she could give mine a good run for her money!!!!! I'll go with the mulch pile; I think we can live with that!
30 day challenge? Wow, I'm impressed that you even attempted that!
Okay, a gem is not so bad...really for safe keeping you can store it in a jewelry box, or even more carefully in a safe-deposit box....
it's really better than ashes (displayed in an urn) don't you think? Maybe she'll live a very long time, hopefully, and the company won't be making them anymore. Enough morbid! We BOTH have mothers!!!
Eight times in a month? You animals! Where do you find the time and energy? :)
First kudos to you for writing this. I'd be wayyy to afraid - mostly because I know that my parents read mine :)
But it's so great to know that so many other couples are going thru the same thing & even how others are finding ways to get around it. For hubby & I the hardest thing is our schedules. With the house & kids & his job & both of us in school we're luck to find a few spare minutes a day of "us" time. It's definitely an area we need to work on.
Great post- thanks for the honesty! I'll let you know my answer when I get married! :)
A while ago I saw that a church was challenging it's members to take a 30 day sex challenge. I found the story here
We also failed miserably at this challenge. But, things are better now. Focusing on meeting each other's needs has helped in general. Good luck!
Amber @ The Mom Road
8 TIMES IN A MONTH?????????????!!!!!!!!! THAT'S A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN US1
thanks for posting this. i thought it was judt us. i waited two months after i gave birth. it huert too much
sorry 4 the typing i have the baby
Ahhhh, why is it so hard to type the "s" word on our blogs? I just can't do it either. The first time my husband wrote on my blog, he used it..of course! Leave it to a guy. I told him his blogging days were numbered.
I will admit though that I'm with Much More Than Mommy. I get so grumpy without it too. I just wish I could write about "it". Typical Catholic girl.
I totally understand where you are coming from. Hubby and I keep it "hot" somewhat by scheduling sex. I actually wrote a post about it. In my opinion as two full-time working parents it is the only way to go.
http://thismamaworksit.com/2010/01/25/spontaneous-sex-is-out-and-scheduled-sex-is-in/
I have 4 kids. I am not even sure what word you are talking about any more. :) Just kidding. It is a very important topic. It doesn't happen on it's own. Thanks for posting!
My hubs would KILL me if I posted about this!! ha ha! =) You are definitely not alone... great honest and encouraging post!
You know I posted a bit on this topic when I wrote about how I am not like the mom I thought I was....and honestly, I don't feel bad about it. Ok, maybe just a bit.
We try to be spontaneous sometimes, but damnit, we are just too tired. I don't know...we'll have regular sex again when we are like 50, right? We're working on the regular part these days....just depends on what your definition of regular is! ;-)
Tamara
www.theunexperiencedmom.como
Great post! Thanks for the encouragement.
we all go through this!after 20 yrs of being together and the kids are almost all grown and gone most of the day,theres plenty of time NOW for makeup sex,;)
so it gets better so hang in there!
Maybe I should try the 30 day thing. truthfully it just sounds like so much work. Honestly we can go a month and not even attempt to be intimate. Sad, huh? Really though, neither of us seems bothered. We are intimate eventually, and then go on an upswing, and a lull happens again. Like a cycle of sorts.
Hey, you got lovin 8 more times in the last 30 days than I did.
I'm not saying, I'm just saying! :)
Good for you and your DH for giving the 100 days a try. It's am ambitious goal but a good one. I need to look into this ;)
I love the 30 day challenge idea.
This experiment is great. It is so easy to put our adult relationship aside when we have kids and a job and so many responsibilities. I know that when hubby and I make time for each other...whether or not it involves the S word or not, I am a much happier wife and mommy and that it a good thing.
=) Thanks for sharing this/posting this, its always interesting to hear about others situations especially when you can relate. im 21 but sometimes i feel 47 and im just *too tired*. so 8 times you go girl! =)
I love this post! Thank you for having the guts to write about it.
I just wanted to let you know that I included this post in my "Great Links to Honest Sex Talk" :)
http://mamamiamcmasters.blogspot.com/2011/04/great-links-to-honest-sex-talk.html