Getting Back To Good  

I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it.

Of course I'm in love with her:


But today, I'm talking about my love for him:


A few months ago, I was all prepared to go into a little more detail about DH & I, and our decision to seek couples counseling. Then, I got that hateful message on my blog, and I pulled back. But in order for you to really understand how I feel about DH now, you have to understand how I was feeling about myself then.

When I was pregnant, I read a lot of books and articles-- and got a lot of advice-- talking about how tough it can be for couples to adjust to the birth of a child, particularly their first. I dismissed all that scholarly (and not so scholarly) input. DH & I were doing better than ever during those nine months. He was helpful, supportive, loving; everything a man and a soon-to-be father should be. Those feelings even continued into G's first few months of life.

And then I went back to work.

And then I started to feel, well, lost.

Looking back on it now, I'm fairly confident I had a mild to moderate case of post-partum depression, and was too... I'm not sure... scared? stressed? proud?... to do anything about it. So instead, I took an almost "third person"-like role in my own life, and watched idly by as my world slowly began melting down. I threw tantrums. I locked myself in my bedroom closet and cried. I prayed for clarity. But nothing I did helped. That's when I knew I needed to seek assistance elsewhere.

But even then, I was too afraid to go to counseling on my own. I'd never stepped foot in a counselor's office-- not even my high school guidance counselor- and I didn't know what to expect. So, I asked DH to join me for couples therapy. And he said yes.

That was the first spark. Knowing that DH cared so deeply about me that he was willing to bear his soul to a perfect stranger for the good of our marriage calmed me in a way I hadn't been able to comfort myself in months. Although most of our sessions focused on me and how I was feeling about myself, our therapist did teach us three big things. First, people are who they are, and you need to accept them that way. Meaning, I am type-A, I am always going to be type-A; DH is type-B and will remain so. That doesn't mean we can't get along. Rather, we need to use our different strengths and talents to each other's benefits, me getting from him what I can't get from myself and vice verse. Second, we learned that we have to be open and honest about how we're feeling, but that doesn't mean we have to share every little detail of our lives. That's what friends are for. And third, she taught us some key coping strategies to get us through the tough times (and helped us realize that all couples-- and individuals, for that matter-- do have tough times).

Going to counseling taught me several other lessons as well. Since opening up about our decision, many friends have confided in me about their own thoughts and feelings, either regarding themselves or their reliationships. I've learned that even the happiest relationship can have problems, and that marriage is a work-in-progress. It's also dispelled any stigma attached to therapy in my mind, and I hope, in the minds of friends and family members I've talked to about it. Sometimes, you just need an unbiased third party to listen.

So, back to DH and I and where we stand now. I can see he's making a greater effort especially when it comes to being patient with me. He no longer sees my type-A personality as a direct affront to himself, and so, he's more likely to listen to my requests. As for me, I've learned to take a breather every now and then, relax, and remember that things don't have to get done right away. In a way, he's become more of a "type B+" and I've become a little more of a "type A-".

And we're reconnecting, too. We're spending more one-on-one time-- although it's still tough to find-- and we're sharing more quiet moments together. I feel giddy again, like I did when we started dating. Our flame is burning brightly once more.